i bought a cute dress for new years but i shouldnt have spent the money. i decided to forgo a haircut instead. oh, materialism.
noah let me borrow his camera for wednesday. i want one just like it. i feels like im holding a really expensive pistol in my hands.
I'm apparently on a marathon of sad movies. My tear ducts are starting to hate me. Maybe film is a good excuse to release tears that are just waiting to flow anyway. maybe.
roommate comes back tomorrow. Both rowdy and I seem a little lost and frazzled without her. I never realized the sort of "order" she brings to this house. I hope she notices that I cleaned the rugs.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Monday, December 29, 2008
I arrived home, LA home, last night and met ryan up in topanga canyon. It was sort of boring, so we left. We went to temp. spaces and then to Good Luck and B.J. Novak was there and both Ryan and Brian went up to him and told him that he should totally hit on me. He looked like a tool with a really stupid haircut. Shit was shot.
Today, Ryan and I rode bikes on Hollywood blvd to a my favorite thai place and then to the vista to see the curious case of benjamin button. So brilliant. Ryans road bike was too big for me so I made him switch with me and rode (and PWNED) his fixie. It was beautiful.
After the movie I came home and sat down to put in a cd, when I got up I realized I had sat in Rowdy shit. yuck. I needed to do laundry anyway.
Today, Ryan and I rode bikes on Hollywood blvd to a my favorite thai place and then to the vista to see the curious case of benjamin button. So brilliant. Ryans road bike was too big for me so I made him switch with me and rode (and PWNED) his fixie. It was beautiful.
After the movie I came home and sat down to put in a cd, when I got up I realized I had sat in Rowdy shit. yuck. I needed to do laundry anyway.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
All I want for Christmas is you
very merry christmas eve...whatever that actually means to any of you.
I woke up at 7am this morning...az time, that's 6am california time.
My mom dropped me off at my aunts house before going to work and i layed on their loveseat and watched a bit of "Charade" and fell asleep. I woke up an hour or so later from a weird dream and re-burnt a cd for my uncle that failed last night. I then borrowed my uncle's huge truck and stopped by my mom's office to see it for the first time and meet her co-workers. It's so cool not to see my mom when I first walk in sitting at the reception desk. Now she has her very own office, decorated mostly with pictures of me. She had two pictures of me and spencer and my stomach turned slightly. "Ugh", "Not now", and "Why?" crossed my mind, but they are hers, not mine. It became so obvious how much she gushes about me to her co-worker friends and it made me happy. Then I left and finished christmas shopping. I thought I was done shopping when I found something only Paul would appreciate, so I had to get it...even though he has abandoned me this holiday, I will forgive him and even mail him a heavy present.
I went back to my aunt and uncles house and wrapped all my gifts which didn't take up that much time at all, and they went grocery shopping. I decided to take another nap. So I did. This time I slept for another hour and felt anxious so I got up and showered. Then I decided to do something that I had been debating over for a few days, shave my arms. I've always been very aware of the hair on my arms, but never found it gross or offensive, so I never did anything about it. but the more I've looked at it, the more I realize that my latin roots are catching up with me and it was time to go. It felt very strange and it still sort of does, but it looks...better, i guess.
We arrived at the other half of grandparents (the half I'm actually close with) house around 6:30. Steak was on the menu and immediately bummed me out. I miss steak. I never actually ate it much when I did eat red meat, but there was no way I could now. I drank a beer and felt like I was floating around most of the evening, not really partaking in any conversation(s), just walking through them. I tried to take pictures, but everyone liked to pose, so I usually just put the camera down.
Cheese grits, a baked potato, carrots, a roll, and one bite of steak. Yes, one bite. I had to. go protein!
I tried on a dress that my uncle had bought me for my high school graduation dinner. It still fit, although my grandma said in the nicest tone possible "It looks good! You have gained a little weight since then, though"
Duh grandma. duh.
We all walked down to visit my granparent's 84 year old neighbor and friend who usually gives madison and I money or bonds for Christmas, but he didn't this year. It's hard to talk to someone that old. Everyone took turns leading the conversation.
When we returned, we opened presents. I haven't really given any presents the last year or two ro three, but I did this year, even though out of any year I can't afford it the most, but it felt really good to watch someone open a present from me and to know they really appreciated it.
Mom, her boyfriend, and myself drove home and when we got home, I only had my mother's presents to open, which are always honestly the best.
Perfume, bluetooth, whitestrips, 3 gift cards, and cash.
I always cry when I read her christmas cards. It's basically tradition by now.
Now christmas is over before it technically began and I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow. Maybe adventures.
I woke up at 7am this morning...az time, that's 6am california time.
My mom dropped me off at my aunts house before going to work and i layed on their loveseat and watched a bit of "Charade" and fell asleep. I woke up an hour or so later from a weird dream and re-burnt a cd for my uncle that failed last night. I then borrowed my uncle's huge truck and stopped by my mom's office to see it for the first time and meet her co-workers. It's so cool not to see my mom when I first walk in sitting at the reception desk. Now she has her very own office, decorated mostly with pictures of me. She had two pictures of me and spencer and my stomach turned slightly. "Ugh", "Not now", and "Why?" crossed my mind, but they are hers, not mine. It became so obvious how much she gushes about me to her co-worker friends and it made me happy. Then I left and finished christmas shopping. I thought I was done shopping when I found something only Paul would appreciate, so I had to get it...even though he has abandoned me this holiday, I will forgive him and even mail him a heavy present.
I went back to my aunt and uncles house and wrapped all my gifts which didn't take up that much time at all, and they went grocery shopping. I decided to take another nap. So I did. This time I slept for another hour and felt anxious so I got up and showered. Then I decided to do something that I had been debating over for a few days, shave my arms. I've always been very aware of the hair on my arms, but never found it gross or offensive, so I never did anything about it. but the more I've looked at it, the more I realize that my latin roots are catching up with me and it was time to go. It felt very strange and it still sort of does, but it looks...better, i guess.
We arrived at the other half of grandparents (the half I'm actually close with) house around 6:30. Steak was on the menu and immediately bummed me out. I miss steak. I never actually ate it much when I did eat red meat, but there was no way I could now. I drank a beer and felt like I was floating around most of the evening, not really partaking in any conversation(s), just walking through them. I tried to take pictures, but everyone liked to pose, so I usually just put the camera down.
Cheese grits, a baked potato, carrots, a roll, and one bite of steak. Yes, one bite. I had to. go protein!
I tried on a dress that my uncle had bought me for my high school graduation dinner. It still fit, although my grandma said in the nicest tone possible "It looks good! You have gained a little weight since then, though"
Duh grandma. duh.
We all walked down to visit my granparent's 84 year old neighbor and friend who usually gives madison and I money or bonds for Christmas, but he didn't this year. It's hard to talk to someone that old. Everyone took turns leading the conversation.
When we returned, we opened presents. I haven't really given any presents the last year or two ro three, but I did this year, even though out of any year I can't afford it the most, but it felt really good to watch someone open a present from me and to know they really appreciated it.
Mom, her boyfriend, and myself drove home and when we got home, I only had my mother's presents to open, which are always honestly the best.
Perfume, bluetooth, whitestrips, 3 gift cards, and cash.
I always cry when I read her christmas cards. It's basically tradition by now.
Now christmas is over before it technically began and I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow. Maybe adventures.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
chinese food christmas
today, my mother and i greeted each other in good spirits. we arrived at her apartment and talked about her job. then we had to leave soon after i arrived to meet up with one half of the grandparents and the children (aunt, uncles), and the grandchildren (cousins). On the way, we chatted and I took some pictures of the sky. I finally made the concious decision to reach for a cigarette after she had already lit one and said "I hope you won't disown me after this" and she said "Why would I disown you?" WE smoked together in silence while we slowly rolled through traffic.
We arrived at a chinese food restaurant that my grandparents took me to a lot when I was little. I don't think I have been there since the age of 6 or so. The decor had not changed. Not even a little. All eleven of us sat at a snug round table that required our knees to touch the people next to us. "But we're family, so it's okay" one of my uncles said. We unintentionally ordered way too much food. Even saying "way too much food" doesn't even describe it. It depressed me immediately to see the heaping plates sitting there, even after feeding 11 people. I wish I could have sounded some sort of alarm to alert all the nearby homeless.
Small talk was had. So many comments about my hair, it began to get old. I mean that in a very nice way. Compliments are wonderful, especially from family. I just usually find repeat compliments embarrassing. My...step-grandmother forgot Madison's and I's presents, but realized she had some walmart gift cards in her purse and gave them to us. And even though it's horribly inappropriate, the first thing I thought was, "I fucking despise walmart". (Which is true. Noah and I had to go into one on our trip and I almost stayed in the car. And even though it's not my money, I just feel dirty buying anything from there.)
My grandfather has become more of a quiet giant. Eating black licorice that someone is gauranteed to give him around the holidays. My mother adores him even though he was a horrible father. I wish I knew him better. He has a warmth I enjoy. I appreciate his beliefs and sense of humor.
My 15 year old cousin and I act and speak as though we are sisters who don't see each other nearly enough. She grew up looking up to me but she doesn't know that I've looked up to her at the same time despite our age difference. She's great. She always wants to know about my love life and I usually tell her because I know it actually means something to her that I'm sharing something personal with her. She asked if we could have "me and you time" and I said yes with a huge grin.
Mom and I drove home and I helped her navigate her new computer.
We figured out what we were doing tomorrow and she gave me the softest hug before she went to bed.
We arrived at a chinese food restaurant that my grandparents took me to a lot when I was little. I don't think I have been there since the age of 6 or so. The decor had not changed. Not even a little. All eleven of us sat at a snug round table that required our knees to touch the people next to us. "But we're family, so it's okay" one of my uncles said. We unintentionally ordered way too much food. Even saying "way too much food" doesn't even describe it. It depressed me immediately to see the heaping plates sitting there, even after feeding 11 people. I wish I could have sounded some sort of alarm to alert all the nearby homeless.
Small talk was had. So many comments about my hair, it began to get old. I mean that in a very nice way. Compliments are wonderful, especially from family. I just usually find repeat compliments embarrassing. My...step-grandmother forgot Madison's and I's presents, but realized she had some walmart gift cards in her purse and gave them to us. And even though it's horribly inappropriate, the first thing I thought was, "I fucking despise walmart". (Which is true. Noah and I had to go into one on our trip and I almost stayed in the car. And even though it's not my money, I just feel dirty buying anything from there.)
My grandfather has become more of a quiet giant. Eating black licorice that someone is gauranteed to give him around the holidays. My mother adores him even though he was a horrible father. I wish I knew him better. He has a warmth I enjoy. I appreciate his beliefs and sense of humor.
My 15 year old cousin and I act and speak as though we are sisters who don't see each other nearly enough. She grew up looking up to me but she doesn't know that I've looked up to her at the same time despite our age difference. She's great. She always wants to know about my love life and I usually tell her because I know it actually means something to her that I'm sharing something personal with her. She asked if we could have "me and you time" and I said yes with a huge grin.
Mom and I drove home and I helped her navigate her new computer.
We figured out what we were doing tomorrow and she gave me the softest hug before she went to bed.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
i had a dream today where I saw you somewhere unexpected and you had long hair. It was ridiculous, but actually looked good because you've always had great hair. I don't remember what you were doing besides sitting at a desk along side some girl...and I looked at you and ran away but you began to chase me. I couldn't stop running but I kept falling down and picking myself up and running some more. Finally I was outside and you caught up to me but you had nothing particular to say. And I didn't want to talk to you, but if you were going to say something, I wanted it to be particular. I told you that you should cut your hair and I walked away and this time you didn't follow. The next time I saw you, your hair was cut but you were kissing this girl I went to college with. At one point in real life you called her "skiddish", I think, but in my dreams, you were all over each other. Both of you gave me such a strange look as if I shouldn't look so surprised and somehow your hair and complexions blended together and you looked like one, lanky, mess of a person. You weren't you in this dream. In this dream, we had unfinished business, and I just wanted to get away from you, but I couldn't.
Monday, December 22, 2008
someone great
Fuck.
I was supposed to be at work this morning at 7:15. But my new (butnotactuallynewnew) fancy phone failed me and never went off. So when Deliah calls and wakes me at 7:40, I feel horrible. I race out of bed, realize I went to bed with wet hair so now it has dried going in a hundred directions, put on a hoodie, grab my toothbrush and run to my car in the rain. I don't think much on the way to work. I arrive and hang my hooded head in shame. "Deliah! I am soooo sorrryyy!". fuckfuckfuck. Ava is hungry so I begin to prepare her breakfast. Pancakes and veggie sausage. (She can't say "sausage" so we call all meat "chicken" for her convenience). On her way out the door, Deliah mentions that I have a present from Ava. "Thanks!" I say, "fuckfuckfuck" I think. I become so angry with myself as I realize that I've sort of wasted my weekend away, not really doing anything productive besides replacing my phone. The only christmas present I have purchased has been for myself. I feel so lame. I sit at the dining room table as Ava munches on her breakfast and open her present. It's a framed holiday photo of her and a sketchbook. I can almost feel myself about to cry but know that it's premature so I quickly stop. I turn and say "Thank you so much, Ava, I love it." She smiles her toothy-smile and puts her hands up to her mouth. She knows. And I think, god, I should have taken photographs for christmas. I've wanted to take a roll or two of B&W of her, especially now since my time is ticking. But alas, I didn't grab my camera in my whirlwind morning. fuckfuckfuck.
So now we sit and she's watching "Curious George" and I'm mostly staring at her, in awe of how precious she is.
I was supposed to be at work this morning at 7:15. But my new (butnotactuallynewnew) fancy phone failed me and never went off. So when Deliah calls and wakes me at 7:40, I feel horrible. I race out of bed, realize I went to bed with wet hair so now it has dried going in a hundred directions, put on a hoodie, grab my toothbrush and run to my car in the rain. I don't think much on the way to work. I arrive and hang my hooded head in shame. "Deliah! I am soooo sorrryyy!". fuckfuckfuck. Ava is hungry so I begin to prepare her breakfast. Pancakes and veggie sausage. (She can't say "sausage" so we call all meat "chicken" for her convenience). On her way out the door, Deliah mentions that I have a present from Ava. "Thanks!" I say, "fuckfuckfuck" I think. I become so angry with myself as I realize that I've sort of wasted my weekend away, not really doing anything productive besides replacing my phone. The only christmas present I have purchased has been for myself. I feel so lame. I sit at the dining room table as Ava munches on her breakfast and open her present. It's a framed holiday photo of her and a sketchbook. I can almost feel myself about to cry but know that it's premature so I quickly stop. I turn and say "Thank you so much, Ava, I love it." She smiles her toothy-smile and puts her hands up to her mouth. She knows. And I think, god, I should have taken photographs for christmas. I've wanted to take a roll or two of B&W of her, especially now since my time is ticking. But alas, I didn't grab my camera in my whirlwind morning. fuckfuckfuck.
So now we sit and she's watching "Curious George" and I'm mostly staring at her, in awe of how precious she is.
Friday, December 19, 2008
sends a shiver right up my spine
my phone fell off a couch and broke. correction: the screen broke. which honestly sort of renders a phone useless.
i'm already weary of the cold and in case i've been debating it, i most definitely prefer summer to winter. any day. i'm not good at layering clothes. and a chill to the bone is painful.
I have my first party photog gig tonight in Arcadia. I'm not looking forward to it. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I'm sleepy and would much rather go somewhere i know and be around people i'm comfortable with, rather than alone in a weird part of L.A.
maybe i will take a short nap. maybe that will make me feel better.
i'm already weary of the cold and in case i've been debating it, i most definitely prefer summer to winter. any day. i'm not good at layering clothes. and a chill to the bone is painful.
I have my first party photog gig tonight in Arcadia. I'm not looking forward to it. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I'm sleepy and would much rather go somewhere i know and be around people i'm comfortable with, rather than alone in a weird part of L.A.
maybe i will take a short nap. maybe that will make me feel better.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
"Love writes a letter and sends it to Hate..."
I can't embed this for some reason.
Please watch. Listen. Enjoy.
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=19954007
Please watch. Listen. Enjoy.
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=19954007
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
i forgot....
how great "Brokeback Mountain" is. snuggled up on a rainy day with Jake and Heath and all their infinite man love. So wonderful.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
goodbyes are the same
Tonight i said goodbye indefinitely to someone i deeply care about. But the act of caring is weighing me down so heavily, that i knew tonight, it was really time to drop the weight. Unfortunately, I wish literal idea of "dropping" was as quick as it's metaphor, but I know it is not.
And even more unfortunate, I have realized in this time of "loss" that I will soon have to say goodbye to my tiniest friend soon, as I look for another place of employment. I know I will miss her more than I think is even possible now. I have honestly loved her like a mother, or a sister, or a best friend. Probably all of those things rolled into one.
I am realizing that I am no good with loss. Death...or goodbyes. They feel the same. Allowing yourself to let go of someone you hold so close....it feels the same. the denial is the same. the mourning is the same. the acceptance is the same. our whole life is a loop with tons of tiny other loops within it. it's not an a to b. we aren't arriving anywhere. we are just spinning and hopefully making the most out of the ride.
so now, finally, i will really allow myself to mourn, so that i can get up and revive myself and seize life the way i keep claiming i will do. i will strive everyday to fill whatever void i have within myself with more of me, and less of others or other things. i will close that void with me. i will i will i will.
And even more unfortunate, I have realized in this time of "loss" that I will soon have to say goodbye to my tiniest friend soon, as I look for another place of employment. I know I will miss her more than I think is even possible now. I have honestly loved her like a mother, or a sister, or a best friend. Probably all of those things rolled into one.
I am realizing that I am no good with loss. Death...or goodbyes. They feel the same. Allowing yourself to let go of someone you hold so close....it feels the same. the denial is the same. the mourning is the same. the acceptance is the same. our whole life is a loop with tons of tiny other loops within it. it's not an a to b. we aren't arriving anywhere. we are just spinning and hopefully making the most out of the ride.
so now, finally, i will really allow myself to mourn, so that i can get up and revive myself and seize life the way i keep claiming i will do. i will strive everyday to fill whatever void i have within myself with more of me, and less of others or other things. i will close that void with me. i will i will i will.
Friday, December 12, 2008
the city by the bay
ladies
photo duel
sweet jump
roundhouse kick to the face
this dog saw a gopher
michelle calling AAA moments after noah locked his keys in the car with the engine still running
bay bridge
sorry sir, i didn't ask your permission.
laurel
honey
noah
becky
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
nos⋅tal⋅gia
–noun
1. a wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one's life, to one's home or homeland, or to one's family and friends; a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time: a nostalgia for his college days.
1. a wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one's life, to one's home or homeland, or to one's family and friends; a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time: a nostalgia for his college days.
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
i can't afford to stay or go.
san francisco is magical and wondrous and beautiful. but cold. really fucking cold.
just like my room at home.
dear jesus i miss my bed. i miss it so much. the sorry excuse for a futon (sorry jana) that i've been sleeping on for the last two nights has been horrible, along with a smelly cat and a noisy heater. at least there's a heater. i need a heater for xmas so much. (take note charitable people!)
im looking forward to the rest of this week to relax and job hunt and catch up with people i've seen recently and not-so-recently and develop pictures and watch cable.
i miss b and rowdy and our tiny christmas tree.
just like my room at home.
dear jesus i miss my bed. i miss it so much. the sorry excuse for a futon (sorry jana) that i've been sleeping on for the last two nights has been horrible, along with a smelly cat and a noisy heater. at least there's a heater. i need a heater for xmas so much. (take note charitable people!)
im looking forward to the rest of this week to relax and job hunt and catch up with people i've seen recently and not-so-recently and develop pictures and watch cable.
i miss b and rowdy and our tiny christmas tree.
Thursday, December 04, 2008
"You've come a long way from Grilled Cheese and chocolate milk"
I just had a lovely little chat with my friend Josh Clay who I haven't seen or spoken to in a while. He's an up and coming painter....who's already pretty "up" and has been working on really wonderful projects. It's been funny and wonderful to watch him go from selling a painting for $300 to $10,000 in the matter of a year or two. It's inspirational.
I'm taking three rolls of B&W film to SF this weekend and my friend, Love, has offered her dark room to me next week to develop. I'm so excited. I've also applied to Pasadena City College to take a photo class. Also very excited.
ALSO, noah is giving me his old digital camera, so, many more photo posts to come.
I'm taking three rolls of B&W film to SF this weekend and my friend, Love, has offered her dark room to me next week to develop. I'm so excited. I've also applied to Pasadena City College to take a photo class. Also very excited.
ALSO, noah is giving me his old digital camera, so, many more photo posts to come.
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
I can never leave the Getty without staring at this for 10 minutes
a blogpost by claire reminded me immediately of how much I love this painting at the Getty by William Adolphe Bouguereau called "A Young Girl Defending Herself from Eros"
I wasn't ever familiar with Bouguereau and assumed he was a Baroque painter, when really he is a Realist. His other paintings are stunning.
If I could adapt this into a tattoo, I would get it done tomorrow.
I wasn't ever familiar with Bouguereau and assumed he was a Baroque painter, when really he is a Realist. His other paintings are stunning.
If I could adapt this into a tattoo, I would get it done tomorrow.
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
Monday, December 01, 2008
why must you rip this house apart?
My ring finger is swollen on my right hand and I have no clue why.
I notice that I really enjoy commercials about pizza and they are the only ones that make me hungry.
B decorated a bit while I was gone. It puts me in the spirit.
Ava has never ran to the door with such excitement as she did this morning. It breaks my heart thinking about looking for another job.
Thanksgiving was nice. My uncle scott and I are the same people in different bodies. Dinner was delicious. The after dinner chatter included rich old people trying to relate to me and they couldn't. I drank wine and champagne.
Noah and I leave to San Fran on Saturday morning. I am so fucking excited.
I am also inheriting a camera. yessssss.
I notice that I really enjoy commercials about pizza and they are the only ones that make me hungry.
B decorated a bit while I was gone. It puts me in the spirit.
Ava has never ran to the door with such excitement as she did this morning. It breaks my heart thinking about looking for another job.
Thanksgiving was nice. My uncle scott and I are the same people in different bodies. Dinner was delicious. The after dinner chatter included rich old people trying to relate to me and they couldn't. I drank wine and champagne.
Noah and I leave to San Fran on Saturday morning. I am so fucking excited.
I am also inheriting a camera. yessssss.
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