"are you also frightened?"

i cut a few coupons today. it made me feel better and more aware.
brian made me ramen tonight with baby bok choy and eggs. it was delicious but it was hard to eat more ramen. i felt bad.

personal debt is starting to wear me down more than federal debt.


i want to give you your money so i dont have to think about it/you anymore. that would be better.






i wondered today if you are in love.

hahaha

remember that time we were sitting in my room at my old apartment?
we were both ridiculously high
and you leaned in to me and said
"I wish there was a mountain of burritos in front of us"
but I thought you had said "fountain"
and i laughed so hard I think i peed a little.

i miss your camera

the rest are gone. i wish i had them.

lipstick doesn't make the woman, or does it?

I have always had a weird personal stigma about wearing lipstick. Even well into college, the only time I would ever wear it was when I was performing, as it was a necessary component to stage makeup, but I always felt like a doll.
And I'm not sure if I was thinking about lipstick or womanhood at the time, (probably womanhood), but I flippantly thought to myself that I would determine when I was a woman and no longer a girl when I could wear lipstick and not feel weird about it.

I realize it's a very silly thought, as there are so many more shaping factors to determine such a thing, most societal, but this was personal. I think it was at a time when I wondered if people referred to me as a woman or a girl. would they say, "That woman over there _________" or would I just be considered a "girl"?
I'm not sure it would make much difference either way, but there is a certain point where it switches, I'm sure.

I guess my point to all of this is the fact that within the last few months, I have been wearing lipstick, both to work and going out. It just seems to fit, to...work. It doesn't look weird. It doesn't not suit me anymore. Maybe it's getting my first real "job" job. Maybe it's just a caterpillar/butterfly emergence. But regardless, I think it's funny that I was sort of right after all.

are you the favorite person of anybody?

i saw this a while ago on some weird compilation dvd i got on netflix. this was the first thing on it.

oh, person person, we're really missin' you...

sometimes, when i question people and their sincerity, i realize that i shouldn't really spend my time questioning them in the first place. it doesn't really matter in the end.
no one is really themselves, at least all of the time.

alphaville

a few things i've noticed:


1. being broke+eating at home all the time = a fuckload of dishes to do everyday
2. unlike most women, i don't keep any sort of make up in my purse. i suppose i dont think about the concept of "touch ups".
3. i will always find style far more important than sex appeal
4. i do not fear the creditors that call me everyday, i cannot give them what i do not have.


also: i am glad that i was a weird yet normal 19 year old who took a bunch of pictures of herself. documenting age is fascinating.








also: i have to be at work at 7am and i am wide awake.

i'm doing okay.
really.


i really really am.

the time is now

Tonight I had an AmeriCorps training downtown that I wanted to skip so bad, but I didn't I assume no one ever goes to them, but I decided for my own good that i should go. The topic was Health and Fitness. It was mostly boring, but not entirely. I think about exercising all the time but never do it. And I'm tired of feeling about about the stuff I eat and the way I look. Either I should just eat the stuff and not feel bad about it or I should just do something to feel better about it. So it got me really siked up. So I walked back to my car through downtown and realized how I think I will always want to live in a metropolis, it just makes me feel really good and I have no idea why. When I got home, I put on the appropriate running attire....and I stood up and realized how exhausted I am after a long day of work, and thought I'd rather not risk rape in echo park at 10pm. So I'll just go tomorrow.

Along with other goals such as:

laundry
applying for loan deferment....again
truly organizing my room
maybe a CRAFT or something creative
looking for ANOTHER side job
dishes



weeeeeeee!!!!

don't think twice, it's alright

sometimes i forget how much i love bob dylan.
and then i put my itunes on shuffle and i remember.

I helped Love on a shoot today...continuing with the Robot valentines she's making.
As the assistant, it was my job to rub the model down with baby oil. Incredibly awkward and funny. Funnier that he later asked me out on a date toward the end of the shoot. His name is Style. Honestly.


I wonder how people with 9-5 jobs find the time to do anything like have their tires repaired or go to planned parenthood? When do they find the time? I need to find the time.




Ohhh, and sufjan stevens. Although, I never forget that I love him.

Rain Recluse

besides the 45 minutes that i spent watching ZORO perform the other night, I really haven't left my house to go out to a bar or hipster function in what feels like a long time.
I even almost went out tonight after I dropped Ryan off at the airport. Cole bbm'd me and said "lets go get a drink" and I said "yes, let's do this".
and as I was creeping up the 110 north he said he was half way between irvine and la and would text me when he got home.
well, i got home and found instant sanctuary in my bed and now I know I will not leave. It's hard to get me to go out past 11, let alone 12, even on a saturday. And of course, no funds have come through, so it would be silly to spend money on alcohol. I felt bad buying cigarettes tonight.
I slept most of the day and it was wonderful, although I can't help but feel like some hidden presence is judging me when I take any nap longer than an hour. But ultimately, I don't care. I'm loving the rain (minus damp feet and horrible drivers) and wouldn't mind another week of it.

My first paycheck, I'm going to take myself out somewhere nice to eat, alone. I should pick a place and count down the days. It will probably be Masa.

ALSO:

Elephant Massage - watch more funny videos

grampa van buren, i got a job!

my father's mother just sent me a Martin Van Buren (8th President) gold dollar coin, turned into a necklace pendant because apparently he is an ancestor of mine. I guess I need a gold chain now.

$1 ancestral bling! sweet!

My job at City Hall is going really well. Everyone is really warm welcoming and seem really happy to have me there. I really like walking to the city hall building from the lot where i park my car which is four long blocks away. Wearing high heels all day is something to get used to, but I like dressing up. Today I went to tear down a three-day seminar we run with a co-worker who kind of reminds me of miranda july and on our drive we talked about our moms and how they drive us nuts and how we don't really aspire to be much like them at all. It was a nice bonding experience and it reinforced my excitement to have a job where i converse with people again.

another night in again. im forgetting what alchohol tastes like and what bars smell like. but im learning to really love relaxing in pajamas. i have a lot of time to party and much rather do it when i have the funds to enjoy it.

I am also loving the rain. very much so.

beautiful

TRAILER " WOMEN ARE HEROES"
by JR

oldies but goodies

I transferred a bunch of stuff from my old desktop to my laptop today. It's weird how long it took me to do this...over a year in fact, but I finally did.

Here are some old gems.