dissassociation

i really love that my friend sarah really hates kevin bacon. because i think i would never trust anyone who liked him. honestly. if you would ever want to hang out with kevin bacon for even 5 minutes, i'm pretty sure i could never look at you the same again. maybe i could just never look at you again ever. ever.



my record player almost broke tonight but with super strength and determination and the longest 3 seconds of my life i saved it. i was 87% posi it would fall out of my hands after a long struggle to catch myself from falling. it's probably the most athletic experience of my life. like the last 3 seconds of Michael Phelps winning a gold medal. I could never truly explain it but it was pretty epic.

kinda like the bruise on my bum. i'm so tempted to post a picture.

molting, brb.

Dear Friends,

This is an open letter to you all. If I'm acting weirder than usual, do no be alarmed. This is just a part of a seasonal psychological molting process that I go through. It is spring (weeee!) and I am currently moving. Moving is something that occurs semi-frequently in my life but never gets easier. I am sad to leave my neighborhood and there is a certain adjustment that goes along with moving into someone else's space, especially if it is a space you've lived in before. Let alone the tedious process of actually just moving all of your shit. So needless to say, I'm enduring a transition in that way. I will also say without detail that I'm dealing with some health issues. But although it's alarming for me to have any sort of issues with my health, don't worry your pretty little heads because it's really a NBD situation in the grand scheme of things. But in light of said issues, it has make me begin to re-evaluate not only my physical health, but mental as well. Just taking care of myself in a more well-rounded sense. I notice that I put myself second in many situations and I think that should cease immediately. I need to better my relationships with friends and with certain people that also requires some clarification, boundaries, etc. All this is making sense, yes? no? Not to say that you are incompetent by any means but more just making sure that I am making sense because I have a track-record of not making sense pretty often. So if I seem distant, distracted, or MIA, this is why. Do not take any of my actions personally. Just leave a message after the tone and I'll return your call as soon as I have my shit (more) together.

Love,

Amelia Louise Sellers

awwwwwt

today i went to the americorps office downtown to get my paycheck (because they didn't direct deposit it AGAIN) and anna, the director, seemed really strange to me. she was asking me how i was but in a way that was unsettling to me. it didnt seem out of genuine concern but more like confusion. i told her that i was fine, that i was moving and things were sort of all over the place. she asked me how i liked working at my "Site" which is the school i work at on wednesdays and i said it was okay. I'm frustrated with it but i'm trying to turn around how i feel about it. then she said "you're an artist, aren't you?" and i didn't know how to respond. i am artistic but i feel like being an artist requires action. and i'm not "acting" so to speak. she said that i should you my "creative side" to make what i do with the kids more fun. this woman is the reason i got another overdraft fee today so im not really listening to her but it's put me in a strange mood all evening. i miss how school forced creativity out of me. it forced me to produce. not usually good work but it got me into a cycle and i miss that a lot. i feel like things i experience everyday are inspiring, yet i'm never inspired to produce. i want to change that.

life is just a continual set of loops

fact: i am 23 in 3 months on 6/23 Weeeee!

(I'm projecting it to be a good year)


I'm slowly saving enough money to pay everyone back. The banks, the friends, the ex's. All of you will get all of my money soon enough. Thank you for being oh so patient.

I am 96.8% positive that after I pay s. back we will never speak to each other again. not for any particular reason. we will just fade and dissapear into the walls of eachother's minds. i wish this didn't sadden me as much as it does.

I'm also moving back into the apt I used to share with Brian almost two years ago, but this time, into the living room. I'm strangely looking forward to it as I think it is a good situation for all parties involved since it will allow me to save money while also helping him with rent. I will clean everything top to bottom as I cannot live in a bachelor pad with piled dishes and moldy shower curtains. It will feel familiar but also extremely different. It will be good.

i need you. lots of you.

sundays

i think i'm confusing being "unproductive" with "boredom"


i'm not a fan of either.

D.A.R.L.I.N.G.

Yesterday I woke up with a horrible sore throat and decided to take it as a sign to have a day off. I went back to sleep and woke up at 10 to move my car and then went back to sleep for three more hours. It was glorious. I thought I could have slept all day. Then I got up and immediately made food because I was hungry and watched a documentary on "The Bauhaus" which, of course, was throughly interesting and entertaining. Then I decided it was time to finish my laundry so I took it to the laundromat on sunset and sat next door at Stories while it washed and dried. Stories is a fairly new bookstore in the neighborhood that I hadn't really explored before. They have tables and booths in the front of the store, then a bunch of books (duh) and then a little cafe in the back where they make espresso drinks and soups and sandwiches. And to top it all off they have a patio in the back with a bunch of chairs. It's really whimsical with a bunch of beautiful postcards and a lot of books geared towards children. It reminded me of Claire and how much I think she would like it. I posted up at a booth and started doing take-home work. I realized how much I loved my neighborhood and how sad I am to leave it, even if only temporary. After I finished, I met up with Ryan at GOOD for $3 mystery beer night. We added things to our list of things to do before he leaves. We laughed and smiled and got tipsy off of mystery beer and it was lovely. Today he met me at work for the huge farmers market they have outside of city hall every thursday. And now he's at the downtown library waiting for me to get off work so we can walk a block to The Edison for 35 cent martinis. Also lovely.

I notice I drown myself into music at work. If i am sitting down, the earphones are in. I think it really helps me through the day, minus the fact that ipod headphones really hurt my ears. And if I look like I'm focusing like I am now, writing a blog, I know that no one questions me.

I think I'm in a constant identity crisis and I'm not sure why. I suppose it just goes along with the ebbs and flows of feeling lost. I'm trying to stay open to new things and people and experiences. Trying not to get too attached to any one good thing and just allow things to happen as they should. I think me wishing certain things in my life were different still holds me back. Wanting to change the things I can't is a wasteful and tiring process. I feel like I am constantly daydreaming or having dreams at night that spill over into my day. Like "Science of Sleep" sometimes I feel like I can't tell the difference much. I'll ask people about things that happened in my dreams because I usually swear that they really happened.

My throat is still so sore. :(

Let's

I think it's funny that it takes pending departure for two people to really get close. Let me tell you how i really feel, let me show you who i really am. let's go do all these things before you leave. Let's really make it count. Let's savor both the mundane and thrilling moments. Let's kiss just a little bit harder. Let's linger longer. Let's take our time.

mouth to mouth

sallie mae is stalking me. demanding more money with each passing day. and every month there's a new loan that i haven't taken care of because i didn't know it existed, and no one told me to do anything with that loan last month when i deferred the others. just like no one told me about the those when i deferred the first ones. i try to stay on top but it's difficult. ignoring their phone calls everyday puts me in a secretive bad mood.


in other news, i'm officially CPR/First Aid certified since an hour ago. woo! i plan on saving lives wherever necessary now. i will not gasp in fear and refuse aid. i will save them with 5 minute intervals of 30 chest compressions and 2 rescue breaths. i will do it until my arms give and lungs give out.

you're in my mind, you're in my way

waking up from a really intense dream in some really deep rem sleep is like jumping through a vortex or something. i'm pretty sure the rest of my day will be affected by it.

i feel so weird.

it's like i really saw you.

"All you need for a movie is a gun and a girl"

Blogging at work! Weeee!

Currently listening to "Beach House" Radio on lastfm. Prettyyy good.


Looking for a place to live never gets easier. I'm tired of feeling so nomadic. I'd be satisfyed living in one single place for more than a year. Maybe it's such a hassle because I have too much stuff, at least it feels that way. I wish I could keep it to a full-car maximum, but with furniture, it just doesn't work that way. I imagine myself as a turtle, with a bed strapped to my shell. I refuse to sell my bed and I'm not sure why. I think it was the first and only big/"expensive" piece of furniture I have ever purchased after on and off sleeping on an air mattress for a few years. Now it is mine and I want to keep it as long as I can. We have a special bond.

Adam and I made an Arizonan specialty last night which proved to be extremely successful. We also watched "Breathless" by Jean Luc Godard. The lead actress in it had the prettiest little pixie cut to which I said aloud, "If i didn't already have this haircut, I definitely would have after seeing this". But alas, I am testing my patience by trying to grow it out.

I'm excited to possibly see my good friend Catherine Brooks tonight, possibly for the last time, as she and her fiancee are moving back to Virginia. I'm hoping she will pass down some pretty little knick-knacks she has to me. (And the shell gets heavier). I will miss her and her ferret-ear-wearing head.

okay okay okay...i'm not getting paid less than minimum wage to blog at work...geeze amelia, get serious.

reunited...

she's super sick and sleepy and went to bed at 7pm. I laid next to her in her tiny bed and read her 3 books until she fell asleep. Best friday night.

Do you appreciate the subtleties of taste buds?

I feel accomplished when I know that life is so much harder now, yet I used to be so much sadder then.

it's coming

...summer, that is.

spring isn't even here yet, but it already feels like summer. L.A. skips seasons anyway. While on the field today, with sunscreen stinging my face, I wanted to jump into the ocean so bad.

Everyone who has moved far away should come back and we should all meet at the ocean. deal?