Presto

In exactly one month in the future of right now, I will be home.

I secretly know that a week after that, it might feel like I had never left. That is something I fear. I hope this experience stays with me forever and I hope that it has changed me. I don't want to come back the same person as when I left.

I am anxious and trying not to look forward to it too much and trying to savor my last moments here. It's bittersweet in a way. As most everything is....



I will see you oh, so soon.

"there's no place like home, there's no place like home..."

Home is where my heart is

so i guess you could say that i've done some soul searching in the last few days...

I've been trying not to think too much about staying or going and just letting my subconcious do most of the talking. And although I don't talk to God or have much of a relationship with him, I have asked my mom for a bit of guidance with this issue.

At the end of everyday, for the last 4 days, I've wanted to come home.
Sure, a part of me wants to live this eccentric, ex-pat life, but when I get down to the nitty gritty of things, I need to be where I am happy and home is where my heart is. I haven't read my horoscope in over a year but I do know that Cancer's are homebodies and I know that what I need to do in 37 days is go home. Be home. Roll around in my bed and call my friend's up and tell them that it's time to reunite. This is what I know I need deep down in my soul. Yes, it won't be easy. Yes, I will struggle a bit, but it will be different. I'll have friends to lean on and I will work hard to find something that I love to do. I will see live music again.

I can't fucking wait.
Los Angeles, I am yours. Through and through. I couldn't even change it if I tried.


In other news, I made Ranch dip at a party tonight and the Italians swooned (as I knew they would). Total hit. I need to spread the Ranch gospel worldwide.

I'm still waiting

to fall in love with you.

Emerging Adulthood

It's so fitting that I would find an article like this right now.

You should take 20 minutes and read it. It's really interesting.


Emerging Adulthood

wtf

I know that if someone took a photo of me right now, I could look almost dead...that's how unexpressive I am at this particular moment, but on the inside I am hyperventilating, trapped inside my own body, freaking the fuck out.

It's so funny how disconnected the inner and outer can be.

Tonight, Elisabeth and I drove way too far and far too long to find a Renaissance Fair in some tiny hill town in the south of Marche. We got lost 2 times. And all the while, some how, for some reason, we start talking about my "future". I think it started when I told her that Arianna had asked me if I wanted to stay longer which I interpreted as "Amelia, please stay longer" and she sort of purposed the big question of "well, why are you going back exactly?". This lead me to explain how I missed my friends and my home and the things that make me feel good and comfortable and then it kicked into high gear...
The discussion quickly went from me talking about my "plans" to her pointing out that I don't really have any. She told me of the opportunities I could have here and how realistically greater they were than what she and I both know I will be facing when I come back to the states. She said that, like her when she arrived here 8 years ago, I still don't know what the fuck I really want to do with my life. She said that if I applied myself enough to really get my feet under the Italian language, that could be my edge and being an American who speaks Italian can get you far in this country whether it be teaching English lessons or working as a nanny, I could easily make enough money to give myself the time and space to really figure out what I want to do. She told me that if we want to accomplish big things, we have to take risks and that missing my friends and family could be a sacrifice I make to in order to do bigger things.

I know I make what she said sound do easy and I know I make it sound like she is trying to somehow convince me not to leave here, but neither are true. I think she just sees a lot of her younger self in me and is trying to put things in a certain perspective for me. She knows that I never intended to make myself a home here and therefore I haven't been in that extra percent in learning the language and therefore I barely can, but that I could. I could actually be somewhat PICKY with my work and I could earn enough to live on my own and try to get involved in art or music or photography here with a shot of it actually going somewhere or at least gaining valuable experience to eventually take back to the States. Something that could give me an edge that I definitely don't have now.

I don't know. I am so incredibly tired right now but this seemly casual conversation on the way to a fucking Ren-Fair has fucked me all up and I don't know what to do. I don't want to stay in small town Italy, but I don't want to go back to LA without a job and fall into the same slump like before I left...destined to work a minimum wage job doing something I don't like just to survive. I miss my old life, but shouldn't I focus more on making a new one? Forward, not back, right?

What the fuck. What to do? What the fuck.

What the fuck.

Los Angeles, I'm yours

Oh how I missed LA tonight.

I missed diversity and not being stared at when I walk into a restaurant. I missed open minded people and I missed Sunset Blvd. I missed seeing people stand outside of the Echo and I missed going to Walgreens. I missed my living room and my patio and my neighbors. I missed Pabst and Gold Room peanuts. I missed being sarcastic and people laughing at my jokes. I missed dancing at The Short Stop and taking photobooth pictures. I missed everything about what my home is to me. Not even just the place or the people but who I am when I am there. Everything I say goes through a translation filter here and I know that people can comprehend what I am saying when I speak but they don't understand the way that I am saying it and how important that is. No one knows who I am. But LA does. LA knows me so fucking well and I want to come home and give LA the biggest hug and thank it for knowing me and allowing me to be who I am.

I will see you oh so soon.

paper

Italian Aperitif, da solo.

Sometimes a cowboy's just a man in cowboy suit

I have the house all to myself for the next 5 days and I am incredibly happy. I feel at ease and comfortable and relaxed...feelings I haven't felt in I don't know how long. Sleeping in late, cooking my own meals, being lazy...it's great.

I've been researching hostels in Paris and I'm so excited for my post-Italy adventures with Erin, I can hardly contain my excitement. I get all giddy, I think I start shaking.

Time is moving at an incredibly rapid speed. I'm at the end of the roller coaster ride and I feel relieved but I also feel the desire to stand in line again to ride it again. I can't imagine spending my life here by any means but I also don't feel this overwhelming desire to rush back to LA either. I really have no idea what I'm doing with myself and I feel like all of my friends in LA are just trying to keep their heads above water....whereas here, no one I know is struggling to pay the bills. No one is stressed, everything is taken care of. I don't know. If someone asked me 3 months ago if I wanted to stay here longer, I would have said "Fuck no" with utmost certainty, but now people mention it and I hesitate. Maybe it's because someone is telling me that I should stay in Italy as we are laying in the sun with beers in our hands that clouds my judgement. Maybe it's because I'm always in such good company now...



I do miss my friends, though...that is undeniable.

oh, hey.

I only have 3 tracks off the new Arcade Fire album but they are really good.

I hate my hair.

I want to dye it red, although I don't think I make a good redhead, I really do want to be like Joan from Mad Men.

Tomorrow starts my week off. Alone. Free. I am really happy about it.

I'll make more time to skype. We should skype.

I only wear sandals. I never thought I would be a girl who wore sandals so much. Living by the beach still feels weird to me.

I bought a pack of cigarettes. First pack in Italy. And it took me 20 minutes to figure out how to buy them from a machine. I'm not proud of it, but I'm okay with it.

What should I get a tattoo of?

There's so many expressions and words in the English language that really make no sense.

I can't believe I'm home in like...50 days or something crazy like that. It's so crazy.

Sometimes I think I'll never have a career. Sometimes I think I'll never really accomplish anything.

And it doesn't really bother me.