trying to find comfort right now is difficult. I've been overly indecisive lately down to the simplest things. I never know lately what I really want, what sounds good to eat, what music I want to hear, where I want to be and what I want to do any given day. I'm not sure where this is stemming from but it's beginning to bother me. I don't know why I'm finding it so hard to make the most mundane decisions. Maybe I just don't care. Pure apathy towards everything.
I do know that I want more time. I'm big on "me" time and since I've started this job, I feel like I've lost it. Working weekends, forgetting what day it is, visiting Phoenix. I don't have time to do the simplest things and I miss that. I'm becoming a ball of stress through this whole ordeal. Expected, I'm sure but not well received. In a house that is always full of people and noise, I'd love a few days of peace. Some days I feel like I float through my days. My job becomes harder when I notice how much I don't care about anything. You wanna buy that scooter...cool...you don't....cool. Whatever. It ultimately doesn't matter to me.
Also, I'm just really tired.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
My book club is better than your book club (b/c we are a partee!)
http://www.pinkisthenewblog.com/2009/11/the-turtle-party-portrait-studio/
(thanks, Trent!)
(thanks, Trent!)
Saturday, November 07, 2009
defense mechanism
I've begun to wonder why I haven't cried at all in the last 5 days or so. The last time I began to tear up was when I chose my mother's birthday card on monday. The idea of taking something that a stranger wrote and applying it to my life doesn't seem as meaningful as my original words, but I read every card in front of me until I found one that accurately described how I feel towards her. Of course, I can't remember what it said, but I figured that if it evoked tears, it must be good.
I didn't even cry when I said goodbye to her as I assumed I would. I think my emotions around her were really dependent upon hers. If she wasn't going to cry, then neither was I. And I think that is the first time anger peered it's head into this whole situation. I became angry that she wasn't expressing the emotions that I wanted her to. I wanted her to be sad. I wanted her to express remorse to me about this. I wanted her to let her guard down and show me that she's scared, like the rest of us. But she didn't. She just repeated over and over, calmly and softly, "it's okay". I can't even count how many times she said it over the course of 4 days. "It's okay".
I've always respected my mother even in very trying times when I didn't like her very much. She has overcome so much and achieved so much, and if someone asked me to describe her in 5 words or less, "strong" would definitely be one of those words. And still, I admire her for her strength to deal with all of this, but I there's not a whole lot of time for pride right now. There's not a lot of time to let things go unsaid. Maybe I'm angrier that she doesn't even have the same capabilities to speak anymore. Maybe she would tell me all of these things if she could complete her thoughts. Maybe I'm desiring a certain affection from her that I don't think we've ever shared.
And telling my father this was hard. Telling my father that he will no longer be the parent in the background. Telling him without telling him that I will finally, actually, need him. And even this being said, I don't necessarily expect anything to change. It would be wrong and unrealistic of me to expect that. But hearing him break down on the phone today was painful. Hearing him cry, I surely thought would evoke tears of my own, but it didn't. Him telling me to stay strong and focused while he's crying and I'm calm. And me returning with a comforting "I love you, Dad".
I think all KINDS of defense mechanisms are sprouting in me.
I didn't even cry when I said goodbye to her as I assumed I would. I think my emotions around her were really dependent upon hers. If she wasn't going to cry, then neither was I. And I think that is the first time anger peered it's head into this whole situation. I became angry that she wasn't expressing the emotions that I wanted her to. I wanted her to be sad. I wanted her to express remorse to me about this. I wanted her to let her guard down and show me that she's scared, like the rest of us. But she didn't. She just repeated over and over, calmly and softly, "it's okay". I can't even count how many times she said it over the course of 4 days. "It's okay".
I've always respected my mother even in very trying times when I didn't like her very much. She has overcome so much and achieved so much, and if someone asked me to describe her in 5 words or less, "strong" would definitely be one of those words. And still, I admire her for her strength to deal with all of this, but I there's not a whole lot of time for pride right now. There's not a lot of time to let things go unsaid. Maybe I'm angrier that she doesn't even have the same capabilities to speak anymore. Maybe she would tell me all of these things if she could complete her thoughts. Maybe I'm desiring a certain affection from her that I don't think we've ever shared.
And telling my father this was hard. Telling my father that he will no longer be the parent in the background. Telling him without telling him that I will finally, actually, need him. And even this being said, I don't necessarily expect anything to change. It would be wrong and unrealistic of me to expect that. But hearing him break down on the phone today was painful. Hearing him cry, I surely thought would evoke tears of my own, but it didn't. Him telling me to stay strong and focused while he's crying and I'm calm. And me returning with a comforting "I love you, Dad".
I think all KINDS of defense mechanisms are sprouting in me.
Friday, November 06, 2009
cancer
It's been over a week now since I found out that my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Within that time, I have flown to Arizona, seen family, celebrated her birthday, and probably cried gallons of tears. Jesus, I've never cried more in my life than within the last week. Exhausting. Everything has happened so fast and I finally realize what people have said when they say "the world works in mysterious ways". Sometimes people use that phrase to remark upon surprising, wonderful things, but in this case it's obviously the opposite. One day your life is mundane as the day before and the next thing you know, you're hit with a ton of emotional and factual bricks that it's hard to catch your breath. Needless to say, I've been in need of writing this down, writing down my feelings and my thoughts and trying to digest everything that has flown my way in the past week.
I know this will be a process. And I am lucky enough to know what wonderful friends and family I have who I know will stick by me and help me through anything. But I also know that sometimes I will have moments when I feel alone and when I will think that no one knows what I'm going through. It's been hard to find the time or courage to just address what's really going on with me, to tell my closest friends "Hi, my mom has cancer and I'm sort of a wreck. Just wanted to let you know what's up". It's informal and it's matter-a-fact, but I feel as though it might be necessary. I don't know yet. I don't know a lot right now. How I feel or how I can process all of this. How I can accept that I will only have a mom for another few short months and then she'll be gone. And all I do is jump to the past or future and that's usually what saddens me the most. "Remember when ______?!" or thinking about how she won't see me get married (if I ever decide to do so) or have children...etc. Or even how I don't think certain things will get resolved before she goes and how I need to just accept that.
I know that not that many people read this blog of mine. But I do know that it will be reflective for a while, much deeper than usual. And it will be used, (like it mostly always has been), as a diary of sorts. Hopefully not always disparaging and dark, but hopefully optimistic at times.
I hope it helps me get through this.
I know this will be a process. And I am lucky enough to know what wonderful friends and family I have who I know will stick by me and help me through anything. But I also know that sometimes I will have moments when I feel alone and when I will think that no one knows what I'm going through. It's been hard to find the time or courage to just address what's really going on with me, to tell my closest friends "Hi, my mom has cancer and I'm sort of a wreck. Just wanted to let you know what's up". It's informal and it's matter-a-fact, but I feel as though it might be necessary. I don't know yet. I don't know a lot right now. How I feel or how I can process all of this. How I can accept that I will only have a mom for another few short months and then she'll be gone. And all I do is jump to the past or future and that's usually what saddens me the most. "Remember when ______?!" or thinking about how she won't see me get married (if I ever decide to do so) or have children...etc. Or even how I don't think certain things will get resolved before she goes and how I need to just accept that.
I know that not that many people read this blog of mine. But I do know that it will be reflective for a while, much deeper than usual. And it will be used, (like it mostly always has been), as a diary of sorts. Hopefully not always disparaging and dark, but hopefully optimistic at times.
I hope it helps me get through this.
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