I am sitting on the floor of my catastrophe of a room. Bored. Sullen. Idk.
I wonder if I am sick of this apartment. Sick of it's cold and tight spaces. I feel like I am never here any more but I am also unsatisfied living out of a bag. I feel like I haven't been alone in a while and normally I think I would welcome it but I wonder if I've ever enjoyed being alone. I don't think I've mastered the art of being happy alone. I don't know why. Sometimes I wonder if I lived alone. Then I could really do whatever I want and I would be happy to lay around and watch movies and clean my own dishes and bathroom and they would stay that way. I could have space to do art projects.

Maybe if I hadn't been menstruating for the last 20-something days, I would be an overall happier person and none of the things I'm talking about would really matter at all.

count your lucky stars

Today I asked my uncle for a very large sum of money so that I could go to school and I promised to pay him back once I graduated. He didn't say yes or no, but did proceed to talk to me a lot about money and the power it holds. I left the conversation a little more enlightened, but also feeling a little like i did before it started, but more tired. I think other options are available. Other options meaning other family members who can loan me small amounts to eventually reach that total. I think I'm gonna get to go to school! And i am jazzed.


Yes, that's right, JAZZED.


Things are totally and completely looking up in my life and a I love it. I haven't felt this happy in such a long time. I feel so excited for my future.


I am so lucky.

I thought I would lay here in bed and read but decided that I want to write instead.


Today I walked off my plane that had just landed in Phoenix and everything felt familiar, like it always does. Everything looked the same but everything was different. I walked down the same long corridor, past security, to where it opens up to people eagerly waiting for their loved ones. I saw the same row of seats where my mother used to sit and wait for me to arrive from Connecticut almost 10 years ago. She would know that the second we would leave the airport, we would go get mexican food at Manuel's and we would catch up on all the things I've been doing for the last few months in school. But today she wasn't there but I visualized that she was...wearing her high waisted Levi's and her little white keds and a big smile on her face, her arms outstretched and her fake fingernails pointing straight at me. I kept walking.

Paka and Madison picked me up and we were quiet on the ride home. I sat in the back seat and felt hungry and anxious and sad.

I am happy to be here. I am happy that my grandma is turning 75 and I'm here to celebrate. I love my family.

But this place will never feel like home anymore.

elephant shoes

4 things

1. I am going to go to school at Aveda and I'm gonna be the best goddamn hairstylist ever.



2. I am going to Phoenix tomorrow to ask various family members to help me with this endeavor.




3. I am not going to take no for an answer




4.  I am in love.