i bought a cute dress for new years but i shouldnt have spent the money. i decided to forgo a haircut instead. oh, materialism.
noah let me borrow his camera for wednesday. i want one just like it. i feels like im holding a really expensive pistol in my hands.
I'm apparently on a marathon of sad movies. My tear ducts are starting to hate me. Maybe film is a good excuse to release tears that are just waiting to flow anyway. maybe.
roommate comes back tomorrow. Both rowdy and I seem a little lost and frazzled without her. I never realized the sort of "order" she brings to this house. I hope she notices that I cleaned the rugs.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Monday, December 29, 2008
I arrived home, LA home, last night and met ryan up in topanga canyon. It was sort of boring, so we left. We went to temp. spaces and then to Good Luck and B.J. Novak was there and both Ryan and Brian went up to him and told him that he should totally hit on me. He looked like a tool with a really stupid haircut. Shit was shot.
Today, Ryan and I rode bikes on Hollywood blvd to a my favorite thai place and then to the vista to see the curious case of benjamin button. So brilliant. Ryans road bike was too big for me so I made him switch with me and rode (and PWNED) his fixie. It was beautiful.
After the movie I came home and sat down to put in a cd, when I got up I realized I had sat in Rowdy shit. yuck. I needed to do laundry anyway.
Today, Ryan and I rode bikes on Hollywood blvd to a my favorite thai place and then to the vista to see the curious case of benjamin button. So brilliant. Ryans road bike was too big for me so I made him switch with me and rode (and PWNED) his fixie. It was beautiful.
After the movie I came home and sat down to put in a cd, when I got up I realized I had sat in Rowdy shit. yuck. I needed to do laundry anyway.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
All I want for Christmas is you
very merry christmas eve...whatever that actually means to any of you.
I woke up at 7am this morning...az time, that's 6am california time.
My mom dropped me off at my aunts house before going to work and i layed on their loveseat and watched a bit of "Charade" and fell asleep. I woke up an hour or so later from a weird dream and re-burnt a cd for my uncle that failed last night. I then borrowed my uncle's huge truck and stopped by my mom's office to see it for the first time and meet her co-workers. It's so cool not to see my mom when I first walk in sitting at the reception desk. Now she has her very own office, decorated mostly with pictures of me. She had two pictures of me and spencer and my stomach turned slightly. "Ugh", "Not now", and "Why?" crossed my mind, but they are hers, not mine. It became so obvious how much she gushes about me to her co-worker friends and it made me happy. Then I left and finished christmas shopping. I thought I was done shopping when I found something only Paul would appreciate, so I had to get it...even though he has abandoned me this holiday, I will forgive him and even mail him a heavy present.
I went back to my aunt and uncles house and wrapped all my gifts which didn't take up that much time at all, and they went grocery shopping. I decided to take another nap. So I did. This time I slept for another hour and felt anxious so I got up and showered. Then I decided to do something that I had been debating over for a few days, shave my arms. I've always been very aware of the hair on my arms, but never found it gross or offensive, so I never did anything about it. but the more I've looked at it, the more I realize that my latin roots are catching up with me and it was time to go. It felt very strange and it still sort of does, but it looks...better, i guess.
We arrived at the other half of grandparents (the half I'm actually close with) house around 6:30. Steak was on the menu and immediately bummed me out. I miss steak. I never actually ate it much when I did eat red meat, but there was no way I could now. I drank a beer and felt like I was floating around most of the evening, not really partaking in any conversation(s), just walking through them. I tried to take pictures, but everyone liked to pose, so I usually just put the camera down.
Cheese grits, a baked potato, carrots, a roll, and one bite of steak. Yes, one bite. I had to. go protein!
I tried on a dress that my uncle had bought me for my high school graduation dinner. It still fit, although my grandma said in the nicest tone possible "It looks good! You have gained a little weight since then, though"
Duh grandma. duh.
We all walked down to visit my granparent's 84 year old neighbor and friend who usually gives madison and I money or bonds for Christmas, but he didn't this year. It's hard to talk to someone that old. Everyone took turns leading the conversation.
When we returned, we opened presents. I haven't really given any presents the last year or two ro three, but I did this year, even though out of any year I can't afford it the most, but it felt really good to watch someone open a present from me and to know they really appreciated it.
Mom, her boyfriend, and myself drove home and when we got home, I only had my mother's presents to open, which are always honestly the best.
Perfume, bluetooth, whitestrips, 3 gift cards, and cash.
I always cry when I read her christmas cards. It's basically tradition by now.
Now christmas is over before it technically began and I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow. Maybe adventures.
I woke up at 7am this morning...az time, that's 6am california time.
My mom dropped me off at my aunts house before going to work and i layed on their loveseat and watched a bit of "Charade" and fell asleep. I woke up an hour or so later from a weird dream and re-burnt a cd for my uncle that failed last night. I then borrowed my uncle's huge truck and stopped by my mom's office to see it for the first time and meet her co-workers. It's so cool not to see my mom when I first walk in sitting at the reception desk. Now she has her very own office, decorated mostly with pictures of me. She had two pictures of me and spencer and my stomach turned slightly. "Ugh", "Not now", and "Why?" crossed my mind, but they are hers, not mine. It became so obvious how much she gushes about me to her co-worker friends and it made me happy. Then I left and finished christmas shopping. I thought I was done shopping when I found something only Paul would appreciate, so I had to get it...even though he has abandoned me this holiday, I will forgive him and even mail him a heavy present.
I went back to my aunt and uncles house and wrapped all my gifts which didn't take up that much time at all, and they went grocery shopping. I decided to take another nap. So I did. This time I slept for another hour and felt anxious so I got up and showered. Then I decided to do something that I had been debating over for a few days, shave my arms. I've always been very aware of the hair on my arms, but never found it gross or offensive, so I never did anything about it. but the more I've looked at it, the more I realize that my latin roots are catching up with me and it was time to go. It felt very strange and it still sort of does, but it looks...better, i guess.
We arrived at the other half of grandparents (the half I'm actually close with) house around 6:30. Steak was on the menu and immediately bummed me out. I miss steak. I never actually ate it much when I did eat red meat, but there was no way I could now. I drank a beer and felt like I was floating around most of the evening, not really partaking in any conversation(s), just walking through them. I tried to take pictures, but everyone liked to pose, so I usually just put the camera down.
Cheese grits, a baked potato, carrots, a roll, and one bite of steak. Yes, one bite. I had to. go protein!
I tried on a dress that my uncle had bought me for my high school graduation dinner. It still fit, although my grandma said in the nicest tone possible "It looks good! You have gained a little weight since then, though"
Duh grandma. duh.
We all walked down to visit my granparent's 84 year old neighbor and friend who usually gives madison and I money or bonds for Christmas, but he didn't this year. It's hard to talk to someone that old. Everyone took turns leading the conversation.
When we returned, we opened presents. I haven't really given any presents the last year or two ro three, but I did this year, even though out of any year I can't afford it the most, but it felt really good to watch someone open a present from me and to know they really appreciated it.
Mom, her boyfriend, and myself drove home and when we got home, I only had my mother's presents to open, which are always honestly the best.
Perfume, bluetooth, whitestrips, 3 gift cards, and cash.
I always cry when I read her christmas cards. It's basically tradition by now.
Now christmas is over before it technically began and I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow. Maybe adventures.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
chinese food christmas
today, my mother and i greeted each other in good spirits. we arrived at her apartment and talked about her job. then we had to leave soon after i arrived to meet up with one half of the grandparents and the children (aunt, uncles), and the grandchildren (cousins). On the way, we chatted and I took some pictures of the sky. I finally made the concious decision to reach for a cigarette after she had already lit one and said "I hope you won't disown me after this" and she said "Why would I disown you?" WE smoked together in silence while we slowly rolled through traffic.
We arrived at a chinese food restaurant that my grandparents took me to a lot when I was little. I don't think I have been there since the age of 6 or so. The decor had not changed. Not even a little. All eleven of us sat at a snug round table that required our knees to touch the people next to us. "But we're family, so it's okay" one of my uncles said. We unintentionally ordered way too much food. Even saying "way too much food" doesn't even describe it. It depressed me immediately to see the heaping plates sitting there, even after feeding 11 people. I wish I could have sounded some sort of alarm to alert all the nearby homeless.
Small talk was had. So many comments about my hair, it began to get old. I mean that in a very nice way. Compliments are wonderful, especially from family. I just usually find repeat compliments embarrassing. My...step-grandmother forgot Madison's and I's presents, but realized she had some walmart gift cards in her purse and gave them to us. And even though it's horribly inappropriate, the first thing I thought was, "I fucking despise walmart". (Which is true. Noah and I had to go into one on our trip and I almost stayed in the car. And even though it's not my money, I just feel dirty buying anything from there.)
My grandfather has become more of a quiet giant. Eating black licorice that someone is gauranteed to give him around the holidays. My mother adores him even though he was a horrible father. I wish I knew him better. He has a warmth I enjoy. I appreciate his beliefs and sense of humor.
My 15 year old cousin and I act and speak as though we are sisters who don't see each other nearly enough. She grew up looking up to me but she doesn't know that I've looked up to her at the same time despite our age difference. She's great. She always wants to know about my love life and I usually tell her because I know it actually means something to her that I'm sharing something personal with her. She asked if we could have "me and you time" and I said yes with a huge grin.
Mom and I drove home and I helped her navigate her new computer.
We figured out what we were doing tomorrow and she gave me the softest hug before she went to bed.
We arrived at a chinese food restaurant that my grandparents took me to a lot when I was little. I don't think I have been there since the age of 6 or so. The decor had not changed. Not even a little. All eleven of us sat at a snug round table that required our knees to touch the people next to us. "But we're family, so it's okay" one of my uncles said. We unintentionally ordered way too much food. Even saying "way too much food" doesn't even describe it. It depressed me immediately to see the heaping plates sitting there, even after feeding 11 people. I wish I could have sounded some sort of alarm to alert all the nearby homeless.
Small talk was had. So many comments about my hair, it began to get old. I mean that in a very nice way. Compliments are wonderful, especially from family. I just usually find repeat compliments embarrassing. My...step-grandmother forgot Madison's and I's presents, but realized she had some walmart gift cards in her purse and gave them to us. And even though it's horribly inappropriate, the first thing I thought was, "I fucking despise walmart". (Which is true. Noah and I had to go into one on our trip and I almost stayed in the car. And even though it's not my money, I just feel dirty buying anything from there.)
My grandfather has become more of a quiet giant. Eating black licorice that someone is gauranteed to give him around the holidays. My mother adores him even though he was a horrible father. I wish I knew him better. He has a warmth I enjoy. I appreciate his beliefs and sense of humor.
My 15 year old cousin and I act and speak as though we are sisters who don't see each other nearly enough. She grew up looking up to me but she doesn't know that I've looked up to her at the same time despite our age difference. She's great. She always wants to know about my love life and I usually tell her because I know it actually means something to her that I'm sharing something personal with her. She asked if we could have "me and you time" and I said yes with a huge grin.
Mom and I drove home and I helped her navigate her new computer.
We figured out what we were doing tomorrow and she gave me the softest hug before she went to bed.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
i had a dream today where I saw you somewhere unexpected and you had long hair. It was ridiculous, but actually looked good because you've always had great hair. I don't remember what you were doing besides sitting at a desk along side some girl...and I looked at you and ran away but you began to chase me. I couldn't stop running but I kept falling down and picking myself up and running some more. Finally I was outside and you caught up to me but you had nothing particular to say. And I didn't want to talk to you, but if you were going to say something, I wanted it to be particular. I told you that you should cut your hair and I walked away and this time you didn't follow. The next time I saw you, your hair was cut but you were kissing this girl I went to college with. At one point in real life you called her "skiddish", I think, but in my dreams, you were all over each other. Both of you gave me such a strange look as if I shouldn't look so surprised and somehow your hair and complexions blended together and you looked like one, lanky, mess of a person. You weren't you in this dream. In this dream, we had unfinished business, and I just wanted to get away from you, but I couldn't.
Monday, December 22, 2008
someone great
Fuck.
I was supposed to be at work this morning at 7:15. But my new (butnotactuallynewnew) fancy phone failed me and never went off. So when Deliah calls and wakes me at 7:40, I feel horrible. I race out of bed, realize I went to bed with wet hair so now it has dried going in a hundred directions, put on a hoodie, grab my toothbrush and run to my car in the rain. I don't think much on the way to work. I arrive and hang my hooded head in shame. "Deliah! I am soooo sorrryyy!". fuckfuckfuck. Ava is hungry so I begin to prepare her breakfast. Pancakes and veggie sausage. (She can't say "sausage" so we call all meat "chicken" for her convenience). On her way out the door, Deliah mentions that I have a present from Ava. "Thanks!" I say, "fuckfuckfuck" I think. I become so angry with myself as I realize that I've sort of wasted my weekend away, not really doing anything productive besides replacing my phone. The only christmas present I have purchased has been for myself. I feel so lame. I sit at the dining room table as Ava munches on her breakfast and open her present. It's a framed holiday photo of her and a sketchbook. I can almost feel myself about to cry but know that it's premature so I quickly stop. I turn and say "Thank you so much, Ava, I love it." She smiles her toothy-smile and puts her hands up to her mouth. She knows. And I think, god, I should have taken photographs for christmas. I've wanted to take a roll or two of B&W of her, especially now since my time is ticking. But alas, I didn't grab my camera in my whirlwind morning. fuckfuckfuck.
So now we sit and she's watching "Curious George" and I'm mostly staring at her, in awe of how precious she is.
I was supposed to be at work this morning at 7:15. But my new (butnotactuallynewnew) fancy phone failed me and never went off. So when Deliah calls and wakes me at 7:40, I feel horrible. I race out of bed, realize I went to bed with wet hair so now it has dried going in a hundred directions, put on a hoodie, grab my toothbrush and run to my car in the rain. I don't think much on the way to work. I arrive and hang my hooded head in shame. "Deliah! I am soooo sorrryyy!". fuckfuckfuck. Ava is hungry so I begin to prepare her breakfast. Pancakes and veggie sausage. (She can't say "sausage" so we call all meat "chicken" for her convenience). On her way out the door, Deliah mentions that I have a present from Ava. "Thanks!" I say, "fuckfuckfuck" I think. I become so angry with myself as I realize that I've sort of wasted my weekend away, not really doing anything productive besides replacing my phone. The only christmas present I have purchased has been for myself. I feel so lame. I sit at the dining room table as Ava munches on her breakfast and open her present. It's a framed holiday photo of her and a sketchbook. I can almost feel myself about to cry but know that it's premature so I quickly stop. I turn and say "Thank you so much, Ava, I love it." She smiles her toothy-smile and puts her hands up to her mouth. She knows. And I think, god, I should have taken photographs for christmas. I've wanted to take a roll or two of B&W of her, especially now since my time is ticking. But alas, I didn't grab my camera in my whirlwind morning. fuckfuckfuck.
So now we sit and she's watching "Curious George" and I'm mostly staring at her, in awe of how precious she is.
Friday, December 19, 2008
sends a shiver right up my spine
my phone fell off a couch and broke. correction: the screen broke. which honestly sort of renders a phone useless.
i'm already weary of the cold and in case i've been debating it, i most definitely prefer summer to winter. any day. i'm not good at layering clothes. and a chill to the bone is painful.
I have my first party photog gig tonight in Arcadia. I'm not looking forward to it. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I'm sleepy and would much rather go somewhere i know and be around people i'm comfortable with, rather than alone in a weird part of L.A.
maybe i will take a short nap. maybe that will make me feel better.
i'm already weary of the cold and in case i've been debating it, i most definitely prefer summer to winter. any day. i'm not good at layering clothes. and a chill to the bone is painful.
I have my first party photog gig tonight in Arcadia. I'm not looking forward to it. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I'm sleepy and would much rather go somewhere i know and be around people i'm comfortable with, rather than alone in a weird part of L.A.
maybe i will take a short nap. maybe that will make me feel better.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
"Love writes a letter and sends it to Hate..."
I can't embed this for some reason.
Please watch. Listen. Enjoy.
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=19954007
Please watch. Listen. Enjoy.
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=19954007
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
i forgot....
how great "Brokeback Mountain" is. snuggled up on a rainy day with Jake and Heath and all their infinite man love. So wonderful.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
goodbyes are the same
Tonight i said goodbye indefinitely to someone i deeply care about. But the act of caring is weighing me down so heavily, that i knew tonight, it was really time to drop the weight. Unfortunately, I wish literal idea of "dropping" was as quick as it's metaphor, but I know it is not.
And even more unfortunate, I have realized in this time of "loss" that I will soon have to say goodbye to my tiniest friend soon, as I look for another place of employment. I know I will miss her more than I think is even possible now. I have honestly loved her like a mother, or a sister, or a best friend. Probably all of those things rolled into one.
I am realizing that I am no good with loss. Death...or goodbyes. They feel the same. Allowing yourself to let go of someone you hold so close....it feels the same. the denial is the same. the mourning is the same. the acceptance is the same. our whole life is a loop with tons of tiny other loops within it. it's not an a to b. we aren't arriving anywhere. we are just spinning and hopefully making the most out of the ride.
so now, finally, i will really allow myself to mourn, so that i can get up and revive myself and seize life the way i keep claiming i will do. i will strive everyday to fill whatever void i have within myself with more of me, and less of others or other things. i will close that void with me. i will i will i will.
And even more unfortunate, I have realized in this time of "loss" that I will soon have to say goodbye to my tiniest friend soon, as I look for another place of employment. I know I will miss her more than I think is even possible now. I have honestly loved her like a mother, or a sister, or a best friend. Probably all of those things rolled into one.
I am realizing that I am no good with loss. Death...or goodbyes. They feel the same. Allowing yourself to let go of someone you hold so close....it feels the same. the denial is the same. the mourning is the same. the acceptance is the same. our whole life is a loop with tons of tiny other loops within it. it's not an a to b. we aren't arriving anywhere. we are just spinning and hopefully making the most out of the ride.
so now, finally, i will really allow myself to mourn, so that i can get up and revive myself and seize life the way i keep claiming i will do. i will strive everyday to fill whatever void i have within myself with more of me, and less of others or other things. i will close that void with me. i will i will i will.
Friday, December 12, 2008
the city by the bay
ladies
photo duel
sweet jump
roundhouse kick to the face
this dog saw a gopher
michelle calling AAA moments after noah locked his keys in the car with the engine still running
bay bridge
sorry sir, i didn't ask your permission.
laurel
honey
noah
becky
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
nos⋅tal⋅gia
–noun
1. a wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one's life, to one's home or homeland, or to one's family and friends; a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time: a nostalgia for his college days.
1. a wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one's life, to one's home or homeland, or to one's family and friends; a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time: a nostalgia for his college days.
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
i can't afford to stay or go.
san francisco is magical and wondrous and beautiful. but cold. really fucking cold.
just like my room at home.
dear jesus i miss my bed. i miss it so much. the sorry excuse for a futon (sorry jana) that i've been sleeping on for the last two nights has been horrible, along with a smelly cat and a noisy heater. at least there's a heater. i need a heater for xmas so much. (take note charitable people!)
im looking forward to the rest of this week to relax and job hunt and catch up with people i've seen recently and not-so-recently and develop pictures and watch cable.
i miss b and rowdy and our tiny christmas tree.
just like my room at home.
dear jesus i miss my bed. i miss it so much. the sorry excuse for a futon (sorry jana) that i've been sleeping on for the last two nights has been horrible, along with a smelly cat and a noisy heater. at least there's a heater. i need a heater for xmas so much. (take note charitable people!)
im looking forward to the rest of this week to relax and job hunt and catch up with people i've seen recently and not-so-recently and develop pictures and watch cable.
i miss b and rowdy and our tiny christmas tree.
Thursday, December 04, 2008
"You've come a long way from Grilled Cheese and chocolate milk"
I just had a lovely little chat with my friend Josh Clay who I haven't seen or spoken to in a while. He's an up and coming painter....who's already pretty "up" and has been working on really wonderful projects. It's been funny and wonderful to watch him go from selling a painting for $300 to $10,000 in the matter of a year or two. It's inspirational.
I'm taking three rolls of B&W film to SF this weekend and my friend, Love, has offered her dark room to me next week to develop. I'm so excited. I've also applied to Pasadena City College to take a photo class. Also very excited.
ALSO, noah is giving me his old digital camera, so, many more photo posts to come.
I'm taking three rolls of B&W film to SF this weekend and my friend, Love, has offered her dark room to me next week to develop. I'm so excited. I've also applied to Pasadena City College to take a photo class. Also very excited.
ALSO, noah is giving me his old digital camera, so, many more photo posts to come.
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
I can never leave the Getty without staring at this for 10 minutes
a blogpost by claire reminded me immediately of how much I love this painting at the Getty by William Adolphe Bouguereau called "A Young Girl Defending Herself from Eros"
I wasn't ever familiar with Bouguereau and assumed he was a Baroque painter, when really he is a Realist. His other paintings are stunning.
If I could adapt this into a tattoo, I would get it done tomorrow.
I wasn't ever familiar with Bouguereau and assumed he was a Baroque painter, when really he is a Realist. His other paintings are stunning.
If I could adapt this into a tattoo, I would get it done tomorrow.
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
Monday, December 01, 2008
why must you rip this house apart?
My ring finger is swollen on my right hand and I have no clue why.
I notice that I really enjoy commercials about pizza and they are the only ones that make me hungry.
B decorated a bit while I was gone. It puts me in the spirit.
Ava has never ran to the door with such excitement as she did this morning. It breaks my heart thinking about looking for another job.
Thanksgiving was nice. My uncle scott and I are the same people in different bodies. Dinner was delicious. The after dinner chatter included rich old people trying to relate to me and they couldn't. I drank wine and champagne.
Noah and I leave to San Fran on Saturday morning. I am so fucking excited.
I am also inheriting a camera. yessssss.
I notice that I really enjoy commercials about pizza and they are the only ones that make me hungry.
B decorated a bit while I was gone. It puts me in the spirit.
Ava has never ran to the door with such excitement as she did this morning. It breaks my heart thinking about looking for another job.
Thanksgiving was nice. My uncle scott and I are the same people in different bodies. Dinner was delicious. The after dinner chatter included rich old people trying to relate to me and they couldn't. I drank wine and champagne.
Noah and I leave to San Fran on Saturday morning. I am so fucking excited.
I am also inheriting a camera. yessssss.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
freeway assault
oh my god, i wish i was writing this with the same immediate shock and anger that I had right after this incident occurred, but alas, i do not. getting to work and having to feed ava has allowed me time to cool off. here's the story:
so like every morning, there's always very heavy traffic on glendale ave heading towards downtown...and even though the 101 is 1/4 miles away from my house, it takes about 15 minutes just to get on the freeway and get moving. most of this "waiting" traffic time is spent on this small side street of glendale that people have to line up and merge with another line of cars to get on the on-ramp. pretty basic stuff. i assume me and a bunch of the same people are in the same line every day. and last time i checked, i learned the way lines worked when i was in kindergarten when we'd have "line leaders" and everyone always had to get in line to use the water fountain. its some pretty basic shit. but for some stupid reason, some prick with a big, black truck goes around the entire line and meets me at the top of the hill where cars are merging and tries to cut me off. and of course my immediate and natural reaction is OHHHH HHEEEEELLLLLZZZZ NO! and i throw up a quick and friendly bird. he can hit my car if it's really that important to him or he can try and cut off the person behind me but i am not fucking budging. so then he starts talking to me and i roll down my window a bit and he's like "awww come onn, yo had to give me the bird?!" and i say "come on dude! are you serious?! are you completely disregarding this huge line of people you just cut?! we're all trying to get to where we need to be at 7:45 in the morning" and he continues to seem so offended that i reacted to his doucheness with a common hand sign of "fuck you"....which i guess i had done the same thing, i would have expected it. it wasn't an innocent accident. anyway. im still inching forward because every car ahead of me is slowly merging and he is relentless. i notice that it looks like he's reaching for something and i look head and then out of nowhere he throws something that hits my temple relatively hard and says "you shouldn't have flipped me off" and because im distracted, succeeds in cutting me off. i realize he only threw an empty water bottle but WWHHHAATTT TTTHHHEEE FFFUUUCCCKKK?!?!?!?!
I wanted nothing more than to be a huge testosterone filled meat head fuckhead that could get out of my car and pull him from his car and beat the living shit out of him. but i KNOW FOR A FACT that this big asshole in his big truck knew he could basically "assault" me because im a woman and get what he wanted without any repercussions. And it's true. in that moment, i had no idea what to do besides write down his license plate number and sit in my car as he sped off past me. ridiculous.
Even now I still feel speechless because i'm overwhelmed with questions and shock at how easy it is for certain people to be disrespectful. he threw a bottle in my window knowing that it would hit my head and that i couldn't do anything about it like he hits his wife on a daily basis. he cut a line with the idea in his head that he was the most important and deserving person walking the earth. It truly baffles me.
so like every morning, there's always very heavy traffic on glendale ave heading towards downtown...and even though the 101 is 1/4 miles away from my house, it takes about 15 minutes just to get on the freeway and get moving. most of this "waiting" traffic time is spent on this small side street of glendale that people have to line up and merge with another line of cars to get on the on-ramp. pretty basic stuff. i assume me and a bunch of the same people are in the same line every day. and last time i checked, i learned the way lines worked when i was in kindergarten when we'd have "line leaders" and everyone always had to get in line to use the water fountain. its some pretty basic shit. but for some stupid reason, some prick with a big, black truck goes around the entire line and meets me at the top of the hill where cars are merging and tries to cut me off. and of course my immediate and natural reaction is OHHHH HHEEEEELLLLLZZZZ NO! and i throw up a quick and friendly bird. he can hit my car if it's really that important to him or he can try and cut off the person behind me but i am not fucking budging. so then he starts talking to me and i roll down my window a bit and he's like "awww come onn, yo had to give me the bird?!" and i say "come on dude! are you serious?! are you completely disregarding this huge line of people you just cut?! we're all trying to get to where we need to be at 7:45 in the morning" and he continues to seem so offended that i reacted to his doucheness with a common hand sign of "fuck you"....which i guess i had done the same thing, i would have expected it. it wasn't an innocent accident. anyway. im still inching forward because every car ahead of me is slowly merging and he is relentless. i notice that it looks like he's reaching for something and i look head and then out of nowhere he throws something that hits my temple relatively hard and says "you shouldn't have flipped me off" and because im distracted, succeeds in cutting me off. i realize he only threw an empty water bottle but WWHHHAATTT TTTHHHEEE FFFUUUCCCKKK?!?!?!?!
I wanted nothing more than to be a huge testosterone filled meat head fuckhead that could get out of my car and pull him from his car and beat the living shit out of him. but i KNOW FOR A FACT that this big asshole in his big truck knew he could basically "assault" me because im a woman and get what he wanted without any repercussions. And it's true. in that moment, i had no idea what to do besides write down his license plate number and sit in my car as he sped off past me. ridiculous.
Even now I still feel speechless because i'm overwhelmed with questions and shock at how easy it is for certain people to be disrespectful. he threw a bottle in my window knowing that it would hit my head and that i couldn't do anything about it like he hits his wife on a daily basis. he cut a line with the idea in his head that he was the most important and deserving person walking the earth. It truly baffles me.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
oh vegans, how do you do it?
last night i met a fellow named ryan.
and we both agreed that we would quit smoking before we would ever give up cheese.
i think that is one of the best things two people could ever agree on.
oh, i also had a middle aged skeezy man crawl on his hands and knees to me across the bar. one of the grosses things i had seen in a while.
i love the gold room.
and we both agreed that we would quit smoking before we would ever give up cheese.
i think that is one of the best things two people could ever agree on.
oh, i also had a middle aged skeezy man crawl on his hands and knees to me across the bar. one of the grosses things i had seen in a while.
i love the gold room.
Monday, November 17, 2008
dance biscuits
if i could have a hybrid baby with paul rudd and justin timberlake....i would. in a second.
i'm wearing a sun dress and flip flops today, pretending it's still summer. ava is confused about the fact that im wearing a dress and has tried to put herself under my skirt many times. (THATSWHATSHESAID)....maybe i shouldn't make such jokes about a baby. anyway. i neeed a digital camera. i need one now. im ITCHING for one.
i'm going to san francisco in 18 days. so stoked.
i'm going to san francisco in 18 days. so stoked.
Friday, November 14, 2008
karaoke
last night i drove all the way to Placentia to sing karaoke with Dano and Steve at a bar in a strip mall called "Tj's Locker Room". It was pretty much what I expected, although I'm always amazing how traveling only 25 miles outside of LA makes me feel like I'm in Arkansas or something. they were kind of enough to continue buying the pitchers of beer the three of us shared and it took me forever to find a good first song to get me comfortable to pull out the classics later. I chose "Just a Girl" by No doubt (duh). Steve was impressed that I could "actually sing", even though that's still debatable. dano sang YYY's "Maps", steve and I sang "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls, (which by the way has a 1:30 intrumental interlude and that is a long time to be standing there not singing when you're doing karaoke) Dano and I sang "I will buy you a new life" by everclear. I then sang "Say You'll be There" by the Spice Girls because I sang it at my uncle's wedding when I was 12 and everyone loved it then, so why not now? Or song decisions clearly blew out the Carrie Underwood's and the Tim Migraw's of the evening....clearly. Then, right after last call, I decided to sing "99 Problems" a song I thought I knew but Steve warned me that I should have practiced beforehand. Needless to say Jay-Z raps much faster than I ever realized and the machine giving me the lines didn't actually put all the lines in....so I was 4 lines behind at all times, just yelling words, butchering one of Jigga's greatest songs. Oh, I of course knew the chorus, that was the best part. and I yelled "ITCHA BOY!" at the end. We then proceeded to Denny's for a late night snack and talked about Obama, and why Dano thinks that Obama really had won the election when he got the white males vote when he said on monday night football that college football should have playoffs.....I didn't even know that they didn't. ha.
It was a long drive, but I realised that I don't mind driving sometimes, sometimes I really like it. Esp really late at night when no ones on the freeway and I listen to my music really loud and I feel totally alone in the best way.
It was a long drive, but I realised that I don't mind driving sometimes, sometimes I really like it. Esp really late at night when no ones on the freeway and I listen to my music really loud and I feel totally alone in the best way.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
stupid wednesday
sometimes i think moving somewhere new would help me acquire friends.
im not sure why i think this would help, especially now that i'm an adult and thats a very adolescent thing to think, but i do. sometimes i think most people in la are still adolescents. maybe i particularly think that now because b and i just got back from a stupid hollywood club that is 18+....how cool for them! how un-cool for me. why do i even bother....people don't really talk in clubs or bars. people don't aquire friendships that way. why do i feel like i don't know what i'm doing on a daily basis? why did i sign up for this?
why do i know that i'm a bright, bubbly, interesting person, yet i feel completely socially inept almost always?
i feel like a plant growing inverted...backwards...inside.
....the wrong way.
im not sure why i think this would help, especially now that i'm an adult and thats a very adolescent thing to think, but i do. sometimes i think most people in la are still adolescents. maybe i particularly think that now because b and i just got back from a stupid hollywood club that is 18+....how cool for them! how un-cool for me. why do i even bother....people don't really talk in clubs or bars. people don't aquire friendships that way. why do i feel like i don't know what i'm doing on a daily basis? why did i sign up for this?
why do i know that i'm a bright, bubbly, interesting person, yet i feel completely socially inept almost always?
i feel like a plant growing inverted...backwards...inside.
....the wrong way.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
i will get what i deserve
sometimes i love the emotions that come with intoxication.
sometimes i don't.
most of the time, i'm too busy looking for something i think i've lost to really care.
i've just been wished "Good luck" with "proceeding with caution" because i have no clue what im doing nowadayz. i'm trying to take care of myself and i know habitually that consists of protecting myself with a thin shield. even though thats exactly what i'm trying to avoid. i'm looking around, trying to find the best fit for how to live now...but im realizing that i should stop looking at other people for an example. no one will behave as i do, so why bother? i just feel new and naive and i didnt know that so much self-questioning would come from a realistic decision to be single. i didnt think so much would come along with it. it was about cutting ties for a reason and thats exactly what i wanted. but i should have known that nothing is that easy and i know is four months from now i'll be laughing about all the stupid shit im saying now and thinking now and self concious about now. i know a greater sense of confidence will come in time but i am impatient as usual. sometimes i wished i lived alone so that solitude actually felt real when i am home. sleeping meant real sleep. privacy was private.
someday all of these things will come to me. someday sooner than i probably expect.
fuck expectations. fuck'em.
sometimes i know that i am older than i allow myself to be.
sometimes i don't.
most of the time, i'm too busy looking for something i think i've lost to really care.
i've just been wished "Good luck" with "proceeding with caution" because i have no clue what im doing nowadayz. i'm trying to take care of myself and i know habitually that consists of protecting myself with a thin shield. even though thats exactly what i'm trying to avoid. i'm looking around, trying to find the best fit for how to live now...but im realizing that i should stop looking at other people for an example. no one will behave as i do, so why bother? i just feel new and naive and i didnt know that so much self-questioning would come from a realistic decision to be single. i didnt think so much would come along with it. it was about cutting ties for a reason and thats exactly what i wanted. but i should have known that nothing is that easy and i know is four months from now i'll be laughing about all the stupid shit im saying now and thinking now and self concious about now. i know a greater sense of confidence will come in time but i am impatient as usual. sometimes i wished i lived alone so that solitude actually felt real when i am home. sleeping meant real sleep. privacy was private.
someday all of these things will come to me. someday sooner than i probably expect.
fuck expectations. fuck'em.
sometimes i know that i am older than i allow myself to be.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
yes we did.
i wish i could accurately describe the ecstasy I feel right now. I have a baby sitting in my lap as I write this and I feel tears of joy could come at any moment....still. I was in complete shock that he had won until he walked on stage to give his speech. Tears filled my eyes as I watched him take the stage on the tiniest tv in the back of the gold room with adam, b, and his friend. Everyone across a nation was cheering, and shaking their head in awe. Even the Rev Jesse Jackson, just stood there crying for hours with one finger over his mouth. History in the muthafuckin makin. I wanted to hug the entire world and look at everyone as we realize together that things are going to be alright, we're going to make it.
As more people filled the bar, jokes started to fly about how we can finally travel abroad without ashame, no longer having to lie and say that we are canadian. People cheered how excited they were to love this country again...or maybe for the first time. Nobody in that room (of gold)wasn't completely overjoyed, and I've never felt like I had something in common with that many people. At the bar, and across the entire world. Every few minutes, someone would start chanting, or yelling, creating an audible wave of noise around the bar. No one found it annoying. Any excuse to yell was a great one. I realized as well that I hadn't cried from joy in a very long time, and I'm looking forward to telling my kids someday that I was taking shots of tequila and eating peanuts when I found out Obama was our 44th president.
As more people filled the bar, jokes started to fly about how we can finally travel abroad without ashame, no longer having to lie and say that we are canadian. People cheered how excited they were to love this country again...or maybe for the first time. Nobody in that room (of gold)wasn't completely overjoyed, and I've never felt like I had something in common with that many people. At the bar, and across the entire world. Every few minutes, someone would start chanting, or yelling, creating an audible wave of noise around the bar. No one found it annoying. Any excuse to yell was a great one. I realized as well that I hadn't cried from joy in a very long time, and I'm looking forward to telling my kids someday that I was taking shots of tequila and eating peanuts when I found out Obama was our 44th president.
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
GOBAMA!
photoshoots galore yesterday.
actually just two, but both took some time and were quite different.
I AM SO NERVOUS ABOUT TODAY!
i haven't been on the internet since friday and i feel so disconnected. an annoying feeling.
SO SO NERVOUS.
I want to go to SF soon.
I'm running on 3 hours sleep.
I'm glad it rained.
My gangster neighbors downstairs moved out and a sweet newlywed couple in the movie biz are moving in.
I got the day off work yesterday and tried to sleep through men leveling and bolting my house to the ground.
That effort produced around 10 noticeable cracks in the ceiling and walls.
IF OBAMA DOESN'T WIN I'M GOING TO DIE. okay, not really, but tears will shoot from my eyes either way.
I'm voting at 4pm.
I'm wearing my shirt.
I can't wait to get my little sticker.
actually just two, but both took some time and were quite different.
I AM SO NERVOUS ABOUT TODAY!
i haven't been on the internet since friday and i feel so disconnected. an annoying feeling.
SO SO NERVOUS.
I want to go to SF soon.
I'm running on 3 hours sleep.
I'm glad it rained.
My gangster neighbors downstairs moved out and a sweet newlywed couple in the movie biz are moving in.
I got the day off work yesterday and tried to sleep through men leveling and bolting my house to the ground.
That effort produced around 10 noticeable cracks in the ceiling and walls.
IF OBAMA DOESN'T WIN I'M GOING TO DIE. okay, not really, but tears will shoot from my eyes either way.
I'm voting at 4pm.
I'm wearing my shirt.
I can't wait to get my little sticker.
Saturday, November 01, 2008
hallowalking i.e. "hella walking"
last night, b, bj, and myself, put ourselves in costume and rode the 270 bus from our house to fairfax and santa monica. From that point, we walked west to the huge Weho parade, festival, carnival thing. There wasn't a lot of stuff there besides a few food vendors and a stage with cover bands playing. other than that, it was just a parade of people walking down santa monica in their best dressed getups.
i think the sarah palin drag queens were my favorite. The parade went well past la cienega, and ended at 11. We turned around and walked back and decided to keep walking until we saw a bus stop that wasn't completely crowded. Soon, the bus stops were less crowded, but more sketchy, and we had walked well over a mile and never once did a bus pass us. So we just kept walking past highland, past vine. No buses passed us once. Only holloweenie people in their cars honking or yelling stuff at us.
Finally we got to vermont and I thought I was going to collapse. So we called a cab.
I got home and immediately googled how far we had walked and it was over 6 miles total.
Amazing.
And all b and I have done all day is sleep and eaten sandwiches and watched beverly hills cop and slept some more.
i think the sarah palin drag queens were my favorite. The parade went well past la cienega, and ended at 11. We turned around and walked back and decided to keep walking until we saw a bus stop that wasn't completely crowded. Soon, the bus stops were less crowded, but more sketchy, and we had walked well over a mile and never once did a bus pass us. So we just kept walking past highland, past vine. No buses passed us once. Only holloweenie people in their cars honking or yelling stuff at us.
Finally we got to vermont and I thought I was going to collapse. So we called a cab.
I got home and immediately googled how far we had walked and it was over 6 miles total.
Amazing.
And all b and I have done all day is sleep and eaten sandwiches and watched beverly hills cop and slept some more.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
landlord
See more Will Ferrell videos at Funny or Die
HOW HAVE I ONLY JUST SEEN THIS NOW? WHY AM I LEFT OUT OF EVERYTHING? that's not true. but i love this soooo muccchhhh.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
hush little baby
i just spent the last 40 minutes listening to ava cry. it felt like a marathon, with very short intervals where she would take a few moments to catch her breath before wailing again. she cried for this long because i rocked her to sleep and put her in her crib and the second her sleeping body lost my contact and made contact with the matress, she woke up crying. and unlike the usual thing where i spend 30 minutes rocking her or reading to her, i decided to try a new tactic. leave her. it was difficult at first and in the beginning i only let her cry for 5 minutes before going in there and hugging her and putting her back in the crib and just sat with her, looking through the slats of the crib. she reached for me and i thought my heart would explode. i tried to tell her that i was there with her, but that this is where she needs to learn to sleep, and we need to make more of a routine out of this. "when i rock you to sleep and put you in your crib, this is where you will find comfort and take a long and pleasurable nap." she is quiet now and i can't tell if she just gave up, or if she cried herself to sleep. either way, i hope this is a step in a right direction and that what I just did wasn't as cruel as it sounded. having to take care of her 5 days a week i think requires me to take some initiative when it comes to discipline. she bosses me around all the time and hits me and i feel like i'm constantly saying "no" or "stop" and then she hits me and i feel like a bad guy. like i'm not her friend anymore.
i really hope she's sleeping
i really hope she's sleeping
Monday, October 27, 2008
hi and bye
i'm tired from all the visiting and driving this weekend. going on weekend trips feels like a time warp. like things in la stand still and i'm trying to see as many people as i can in a 48 hour period. Then, I return home to my bed and my messy room and my dirty dishes but i'm much more exhausted than when i had left. it was good to spend time with dano, even if it was mostly in a car. I got to see my family over some delicious food, and then sit in my aunt's living room and talk to her about her perils of raising a teenager and my perils of being a lost post-graduate. I always have and always will find it so effortless to talk with her. Then spontaneously I was able to see Sarah because she invited me, dano and steve to a party. Sarah mentioned how we hadn't legally drank or been to a party together before and I realized she was right. She is a part of my youth before I participated in debauchery. I used to have so many inside jokes as a teenager. Sunday was bike day with Paul. I rode "kitty magic" to the tempe bike co-op and picked out a sweet little frame to take to the kitchen and maybe build my own bike. I thought about what the dynamic of the trip would have been like if spence would have come like previously planned, but there's no way to know for sure. somedays are harder than other's with this sort of movement away from a previous me. Moments and days move at odd paces, speeding up and slowing down. I question my job everyday as I feel more frustrated here than I used to. Maybe my patience is waning. Maybe I just miss having a job where I met and talked to people. Today feels hard.
Friday, October 24, 2008
my eyes are crossing / my throat feels coarse
and i will travel to phoenix tomorrow with an old friend.
that drive is so dumb. you hit blythe and think, "wow, only 3 more hours. yay!" and then it's just more of the same...without call boxes.
that's how i always knew we had hit ca or az....call boxes.
im getting a "common cold" now after overcoming strep. fuck.
ava was a bitch today. i've never seen her more angry and annoyed/ing. it's like dealing with a neanderthal sometimes. you can't reason with someone who doesn't know language yet. we're constantly lost in communication with one another and i feel like a servant to her every whim. sometimes i wish she had a sibling so she wasn't so spoiled. knowing the way her parents treat her, sometimes i feel bad when i get short tempered or discipline her to teach her right from wrong. i guess i can just trust that however i treat her, it's based on love. i basically adore her.
but love and hate are so closely related.
that drive is so dumb. you hit blythe and think, "wow, only 3 more hours. yay!" and then it's just more of the same...without call boxes.
that's how i always knew we had hit ca or az....call boxes.
im getting a "common cold" now after overcoming strep. fuck.
ava was a bitch today. i've never seen her more angry and annoyed/ing. it's like dealing with a neanderthal sometimes. you can't reason with someone who doesn't know language yet. we're constantly lost in communication with one another and i feel like a servant to her every whim. sometimes i wish she had a sibling so she wasn't so spoiled. knowing the way her parents treat her, sometimes i feel bad when i get short tempered or discipline her to teach her right from wrong. i guess i can just trust that however i treat her, it's based on love. i basically adore her.
but love and hate are so closely related.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Omfg omgomgomgomg.
I am right now at the montalban theater with Noah on his sweet iPhone (this is taking forever to type and I'm so excited that I'm makng. Tons of mistakes fhshfjsmchdjskdm) POINT OF THE STORY: I just saw then followed then nervously stared at then slowly walked up to then met Miranda fucking July!!!!!!! This has seriously taken 15 mins to type. Seriouslyyyyyyyy. She was really coy and shy and quiettly thanked me for drooling on her. Or being such a huge fan. She looked scared. And beautiful.
<3 herrrrrrrrrrr. Movie is about to start. Shesinthesameroomasmeomgomgomgomg
Kbai.
<3 herrrrrrrrrrr. Movie is about to start. Shesinthesameroomasmeomgomgomgomg
Kbai.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
throat tickle
i somewhat styled my hair tonight even though i was just in my pj's and wasn't planning to go out. i feel like i look sorta butch, but thats because i've been too lazy to put on makeup and i've been watching WAY too much l word lately. B fears that i will start referring to the character's as if they are my friends like "Whoa, I'm really worried about Alice, she's popping anti-depressants like candy" or "Omg! You will not believe what Shane wore to Carmen's cousin's quinceanera!" It's becoming slightly depressing. And every few days it feels like I'm about to get sick again, like a friendly reminder to keep myself in line and take my antibiotics.
I feel like I'm sort of beginning some sort of personal hibernation. Unlike usual, I'm actually quite satisfied staying in bed...especially after I spent too much money at ikea, giving my bed a makeover. It's now a tiny sanctuary. But I'll make sure not to get too comfortable in it. I'm really excited about this week: tomorrow is Cinema Tuesdays with Noah, Wednesday is Bj's movie night, Thursday I will be returning to Whittier to support my former pack of thesbians, and Friday I embark on a 6 hour road trip to phoenix with Dano. Saturday will be some sort of family bbq and Sunday I will hang with Paul (because he is also randomly in town) and we will eat burritos and ogle bikes. He is the expert after all.
Action packed week! So a monday night in bed, isn't so bad afterall.
I feel like I'm sort of beginning some sort of personal hibernation. Unlike usual, I'm actually quite satisfied staying in bed...especially after I spent too much money at ikea, giving my bed a makeover. It's now a tiny sanctuary. But I'll make sure not to get too comfortable in it. I'm really excited about this week: tomorrow is Cinema Tuesdays with Noah, Wednesday is Bj's movie night, Thursday I will be returning to Whittier to support my former pack of thesbians, and Friday I embark on a 6 hour road trip to phoenix with Dano. Saturday will be some sort of family bbq and Sunday I will hang with Paul (because he is also randomly in town) and we will eat burritos and ogle bikes. He is the expert after all.
Action packed week! So a monday night in bed, isn't so bad afterall.
what the fuck is wrong with me?!
I don't know what's wrong with me, but apparently I think that parking restrictions don't apply to me because for the last few weeks i've been negligent to look at any parking signs. I got a $40 ticket yesterday parking in a lot by my house that never used to be regulated and today at work for street sweeping. not to mention all the tickets i have for expired tags. I've never been more air-headed and therefore in so much parking ticket debt in my life!
Just as I was getting excited to get a bike.....*sigh*
Monday, October 20, 2008
Saturday, October 18, 2008
i finally got some pictures developed.
I finally developed two rolls of film from a few weeks ago, including our trip to Big Sur. So any sunset pictures, i was out of my mind!
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