Italy in 2010

At the end of February, I am going to make my way to my grandest adventure.
I'm going away. I'm going to molt. I am going to change.
I'm going to be whoever I want to be.

my heart aches so much right now.


I am so grateful for the support of all my amazing friends. I love you all. You are my family.

beautiful losers

I saw this exhibition at OCMA in 2005 on a field trip with my Contemporary Art History class. I remember feeling new to so much then. wide eyed and slack jawed. It was incredible. Now it is a documentary, one that I now own thanks to Ryan de la Hoz.

Please do yourself a favor and buy it, rent it, borrow it.

'lephant

I just saw my mom's e-mail address in my inbox and realized that I will never be able to e-mail her again.

or recieve cheesy holiday or "just because" chain-mail forwards from her again.


ouch.

What Would I Want? Sky

"Fall Be Kind" EP by Animal Collective


and


"Teen Dream" by Beach House



"MUST LISTENS" OF RIGHT NOW. GO!

time

trying to find comfort right now is difficult. I've been overly indecisive lately down to the simplest things. I never know lately what I really want, what sounds good to eat, what music I want to hear, where I want to be and what I want to do any given day. I'm not sure where this is stemming from but it's beginning to bother me. I don't know why I'm finding it so hard to make the most mundane decisions. Maybe I just don't care. Pure apathy towards everything.

I do know that I want more time. I'm big on "me" time and since I've started this job, I feel like I've lost it. Working weekends, forgetting what day it is, visiting Phoenix. I don't have time to do the simplest things and I miss that. I'm becoming a ball of stress through this whole ordeal. Expected, I'm sure but not well received. In a house that is always full of people and noise, I'd love a few days of peace. Some days I feel like I float through my days. My job becomes harder when I notice how much I don't care about anything. You wanna buy that scooter...cool...you don't....cool. Whatever. It ultimately doesn't matter to me.

Also, I'm just really tired.

to go or not to go.


that is THE question...




uuuuhhhggghhh.

victoria lynn

whatta babe.

My book club is better than your book club (b/c we are a partee!)

http://www.pinkisthenewblog.com/2009/11/the-turtle-party-portrait-studio/


(thanks, Trent!)

defense mechanism

I've begun to wonder why I haven't cried at all in the last 5 days or so. The last time I began to tear up was when I chose my mother's birthday card on monday. The idea of taking something that a stranger wrote and applying it to my life doesn't seem as meaningful as my original words, but I read every card in front of me until I found one that accurately described how I feel towards her. Of course, I can't remember what it said, but I figured that if it evoked tears, it must be good.
I didn't even cry when I said goodbye to her as I assumed I would. I think my emotions around her were really dependent upon hers. If she wasn't going to cry, then neither was I. And I think that is the first time anger peered it's head into this whole situation. I became angry that she wasn't expressing the emotions that I wanted her to. I wanted her to be sad. I wanted her to express remorse to me about this. I wanted her to let her guard down and show me that she's scared, like the rest of us. But she didn't. She just repeated over and over, calmly and softly, "it's okay". I can't even count how many times she said it over the course of 4 days. "It's okay".
I've always respected my mother even in very trying times when I didn't like her very much. She has overcome so much and achieved so much, and if someone asked me to describe her in 5 words or less, "strong" would definitely be one of those words. And still, I admire her for her strength to deal with all of this, but I there's not a whole lot of time for pride right now. There's not a lot of time to let things go unsaid. Maybe I'm angrier that she doesn't even have the same capabilities to speak anymore. Maybe she would tell me all of these things if she could complete her thoughts. Maybe I'm desiring a certain affection from her that I don't think we've ever shared.
And telling my father this was hard. Telling my father that he will no longer be the parent in the background. Telling him without telling him that I will finally, actually, need him. And even this being said, I don't necessarily expect anything to change. It would be wrong and unrealistic of me to expect that. But hearing him break down on the phone today was painful. Hearing him cry, I surely thought would evoke tears of my own, but it didn't. Him telling me to stay strong and focused while he's crying and I'm calm. And me returning with a comforting "I love you, Dad".

I think all KINDS of defense mechanisms are sprouting in me.

cancer

It's been over a week now since I found out that my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Within that time, I have flown to Arizona, seen family, celebrated her birthday, and probably cried gallons of tears. Jesus, I've never cried more in my life than within the last week. Exhausting. Everything has happened so fast and I finally realize what people have said when they say "the world works in mysterious ways". Sometimes people use that phrase to remark upon surprising, wonderful things, but in this case it's obviously the opposite. One day your life is mundane as the day before and the next thing you know, you're hit with a ton of emotional and factual bricks that it's hard to catch your breath. Needless to say, I've been in need of writing this down, writing down my feelings and my thoughts and trying to digest everything that has flown my way in the past week.

I know this will be a process. And I am lucky enough to know what wonderful friends and family I have who I know will stick by me and help me through anything. But I also know that sometimes I will have moments when I feel alone and when I will think that no one knows what I'm going through. It's been hard to find the time or courage to just address what's really going on with me, to tell my closest friends "Hi, my mom has cancer and I'm sort of a wreck. Just wanted to let you know what's up". It's informal and it's matter-a-fact, but I feel as though it might be necessary. I don't know yet. I don't know a lot right now. How I feel or how I can process all of this. How I can accept that I will only have a mom for another few short months and then she'll be gone. And all I do is jump to the past or future and that's usually what saddens me the most. "Remember when ______?!" or thinking about how she won't see me get married (if I ever decide to do so) or have children...etc. Or even how I don't think certain things will get resolved before she goes and how I need to just accept that.

I know that not that many people read this blog of mine. But I do know that it will be reflective for a while, much deeper than usual. And it will be used, (like it mostly always has been), as a diary of sorts. Hopefully not always disparaging and dark, but hopefully optimistic at times.

I hope it helps me get through this.

AmeriCrap

Today has become a really sad day because I had to admit to my superior at AmeriCorps, that I wouldn't be able to complete 120 hours of community service before the end of november. These 120 hours are the hours I had left over from my internship that ended in August, and were the last few steps to receving an "Ed Award" which is x amount of money to put towards student loans.
I went to a volunteer orientation at the downtown women's center last saturday and left very inspired and enthusiastic to help. But I quickly realized that a few hours here and there wasn't going to get me to my quota by the end of the month. I need that money sofuckingbad right now and I was looking forward to it lifting my burden just a wee bit. loosening the grip. allowing some breathing room.

inspiration/possible halloween costume

I totally just snagged this from Anchal's blog. But I read it and had to share it. I believe in it.

I have come to believe over and over again that what is most important to me must be spoken, made verbal and shared, even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood.-Audre Lorde


Thanks Mr. Lady :)

FLICKR

I'm finally gonna suck it up and buy a Flickr Pro account so that I can more conveniently share my photos with friends.


i will link it soon.

<3

Tall Boy

Funny when you see a music video, and immediately you think of a good friend of yours who directs music videos. and then you think "omg, said person would love this video...its gorgeous"....and then all of a sudden, said friend is IN the music video. Small world. Maybe. I love you, Eric. You too, Har Mar.

book club

So I joined a book club. We are currently reading "Breakfast of Champions" by Kurt Vonnegut. It's so silly to think that I never read Vonnegut before now. Like, where have i been this whole time. Needless to say, I'm enjoying it. and I suggest it. Read it. If you share similar humor with me, I know you'll like it too.

Here's a short exerpt:

genius.

get the butterflies out

Sometimes I get on this thing when I can tell my pulse begins to race and I am overwhelmed with thinking about too many things so the best solution in my mind is to get them out. Get them out on virtual paper and take real deep breaths.

1. I just had to write my first press release. Sounds silly, but it completely bogged down my day and stressed me out. I came up with something but my confidence in my writing has plummeted.

2. a loan officer from my college found me via facebook. they call every day and every night. they send me mail. they send me e-mail. they warn me that i'm about to royally fuck up my credit and still......i don't have any money. I pay the bills every month that I have to pay. I have to eat. I have to buy shampoo and tampons and beer and cigarettes....well, maybe not cigarettes but still. I live off of nothing and I have since I graduated. nothing about my financial situation has bettered....or really even changed since then. So I avoid it and they just call more and more. BUT FACEBOOK?! jesus christ. you fucking bounty hunters, leave me the fuck alone.

3. I just got an e-mail about possibly becoming an au pair in Italy... I'm not really even sure where to start on this one. I need more details. and probably a couple nights to "sleep" on it.
I would just take a million pictures. And miss everyone horribly.


breathe out. get dressed. take a bus to the bank. phew.

fuck yeah fest '09

Home (n.): 3. A dwelling place together with the family or social unit that occupies it; a household.

"How to fold a blanket in three easy steps" by Ryan de la Hoz

fig. 1

fig. 2

fig. 3

what's new, pussycat?

I started my first day of work at my new job, finally.

funny how I wished that I had time off between jobs and when I actually had it I was just nervous the whole time that I wasn't ever going to start the new job. That anxiety reminds me of my mother. No bueno.

It was a sort of strange first day of work....little vespa dealings and lots of....cleaning...? Idk. I've come to terms with the fact that I'm an assistant and that title reaches far and wide in duties. I'm happy to help.

I burnt myself on my friend's motorcycle last night and I'm afraid that it's going to scar pretty bad but have determined that although I have never cared much for leg tattoos, that I might make an exception and cover the pending scar with some [obviously] sweet tattoo. We shall see.

I finally went to develop two rolls of b&w film and lost my debit card on the way. bummerz.


I had an great weekend filled with good music, bad music, beer, my house, good tunes, LACMA, and Nine Inch (muthafucking) Nails. Still dealing with inner termoil but all in all, everything is on the up and up.



<3

NIN

I am about to see a band that I have loved since I was 14 years old.

that is epic to me.

i remember buying "The Fragile" and laying in bed with my discman and I remember thinking that the album made me want to be a drummer. it was beautiful.
I remember being 10 and watching "Closer" on mtv. I think it put me through puberty. I don't believe in God, but I do believe that this show might bring me to some spiritual enlightenment of some sort.





iamsofuckingexcitedimightthrowupOMG!

I should have known better

I feel like I'm constantly being myself and yet misleading people at the same time.

I may seem one way, but I'm usually other.

For instance, saying that I'm single, doesn't mean that I'm looking for a boyfriend. In fact the exact opposite. For the first time in my life, inching towards a serious relationship starts to make me feel extremely anxious and worrysome. I start to pump the brakes and even back peddle when I shouldn't even be putting myself in that situation in the first place. If I say to myself that I need to be single, then that's what I need to do. Put aside the fact that you fall in love with every person you meet. Breaking up with someone now to prevent from truly breaking up with them later seems smart but feels horrible.

I have a wonderful wonderful person in my life. Someone that it makes so much sense to be with and yet I just can't. And I don't know why I can't just "get over" this desire to be "free" and just realize what a great opportunity I have.

And this is the 3rd time I've done this. Fucking horrible. I feel like I'm ruining people's lives. When I just need to wear a sign when I meet people that says "I will probably think youre the coolest person ever, but I cannot date you. Sorry" Just so they know upfront.



Nothing is ever easy. Love is not a guarantee.

I am listening to Orgy, channeling my inner 14 year old and so grateful that I got a job this morning. Things are looking up. I'm feeling good about my life. I love where I live. I love the people in my life.



Things feel good.

beach house

Down the hill I’d hoped that I’d find
Something I could rest my hands on
In the distance sun is setting
Feel I’m jumping over hedges

By the dock of the pond Turtle Island
I will wait for you there creeping silently
I can keep you right behind me all my days in the…

In the waters tracing features
Did they scare hardened creatures?
In that murky green reflection
Did they warn you of dissection?

How, what, why, when?

By the dock of the pond Turtle Island
I will wait for you there creeping silently
I can keep you right behind me all my days in the…

How I want Olive (our love) to know
That inside me she will always grow
In all colors and sizes
You will always remain

By the dock of the pond Turtle Island
By the dock of the pond Turtle Island
I can keep you right behind me all my days in the sun

PLAS

I'm in a wretched mood.
and in case you don't know me very well, I'm not good at hiding it.
Suddenly I hate this office, I hate the people who work here, I hate the furniture and the side-talk and the laughs.
Everyone here is so thrilled about moving to a big, beautiful new office. It's all anyone ever talks about. I've never seen these people so happy. But I'm not happy. I helped pack up a bunch of everyone's stuff but I don't get the pleasure of ever seeing this office or moving it over or actually working there. The CEO started playing michael jackson today wanting everyone in the entire office to dance. It was so awkward and I actually hid. Like hide and go seek hid away from everyone to avoid humiliating myself and forcing myself to be happy about losing my job.

I'm so nervous and so scared about what I'm gonna do.

It's written all over my face.


I just want to go home.

I hate this office.

jorbz

i'm currently drafting up appropriate cover letters to go with my "kick ass" resume.
talking about money always leaves me yearning. thinking that i deserve more of it. that i just need enough to cover all my bases with just a tiny tiny bit of spending money. how happy would i be?!

extremely. that's how.

this weekend was wonderful on multiple levels. the getty, the bike swap meet. i'm getting a bike so soon, i can almost feel the wind rushing through my hair....almost.

i also started reading my first graphic novel: "Year One"....Batman...duh. It's a weird format in which to read, but I'm enjoying it.


okay. okay. one more cig and then back to the grindstone.

i would never say that i have a wonderful life.
but i do believe that wonderful things do happen within it.

what we all do when no one's around

me: so, what are you gonna do tonight?
you: absolutely NOTHING! Everybody's gone. No one is here. So nothing.
me: So by "nothing", you really mean "maturbating"
you: possibly
me: I mean, on a scale of "not likely" to "very very likely", where do you think you'd fall on that scale?
you: 10 being "very very likely"?
me: yes
you: ....I would say about a "9"
me: so "very likey"?
you: yes

here you will find some pictures i took

sunday

i saw a dead turtle today floating in echo park lake. The subtle ripples of water moving it's body in a way that gestured life. it made me sad to watch people gathered around, poking it with a stick, as I wondered what the point was of trying to rouse something that is so obviously deceased. I walked by fast and tried to get the image out of my head as quickly as possible.

Besides walking, smoking, drinking, and eating, I didn't do much today. I dyed my roommate's hair as well as my own and I pondered if my ideas of things are actually better than the execution of those things. My heart grew heavier as the day proceeded and has ended with me trying to find homes for items that used to live in my car. I can't stop feeling strange guilt. As if I'm feeling the guilt of something I haven't even done. As if I know it's coming. As if I know I'm going to break your heart.


I think I'm still on the verge of living a lie.

drunken ramblings

are funny when you post them to your blog and then you read them the next day and they don't make any sense.

i like the clean laundry comment though.





I LIKE TOO MANY THINGS.

i am scared about what i want and who i am.
...and how those two things about me interact. i don't think they're friends, so i don't bring them around each other very often.

but lately they seem to meet in the same place and i'm constantly trying to play damage control between the two and it never works out so well.


"just stick to myself and what's best for me".....that's what i say. but it's never that easy.


my life smells like love and clean laundry. funny how the two smell so alike.









somehow i always put others' best interest before my own.



but it's never the right choice.

some new photographs

i am back at my real job after almost an enitre week at comic-con. it was truly fun and truly exhausting. i think i will need a few days to catch up on sleep and feel back on track. i really love the people that i went with and wish i spent more time with them.

i'm going to go home after work and clean out my car so that I can donate it. i will probably sit in it for a few moments and maybe cry. paul gave me my first driving lesson in that car when i was 14. we used to cruise around phoenix in that car and listen to modest mouse. i can still see it parked outside of his parents house. and i'll never forget when he dropped it off in LA for me. it seemed shiny and new. it was mine and he left little surprises for me in the glove compartment and the back seat pockets. i remember how free and lucky i felt to have my very own car and i'm really going to miss that freedom that i think so many people take for granted. so many memories in that car. good and bad. some i remember and some i don't.

but it's okay, i'll get a bike soon and have the epic calf muscles i've always wanted. I'll feel better about things and try my hardest not to get killed.

ryan is coming home next week and my heart is slightly exploding with anticipation. i can't wait for him to meet my new housemates.

i also need to find frames for all my un-framed artwork. duct-taping prints to my wall has become unacceptable. i'm a grown woman now with real art that needs protection. none of this dorm-room b.s.

i want to live here forever

why does love evoke so much fear in me?

i want to sleep with miranda july

http://www.thirddrawerdown.com/shop/product/miranda-july-pillowcase-set-TPC015/

i need these, duh.

breakfast

Le Le - Breakfast

sometimes i wish my life was like a commerical or music video where everyone in my office or everyone on the bus or everyone in a restaurant just started dancing. obviously yet mysteriously choreographed.


right now, i wish everyone was dancing to "My Moon, My Man" by Feist.

i wish my life had a lost and found

Fact: working at an office is nothing like "The Office", which , unfortunately for me, sucks.
Everyday I come in with maybe 3 tasks, all of which are completed within 90 minutes and then i twiddle my thumbs and move from desk to desk as different people arrive and different people leave and I am forced to relocate myself due to the lack of my own desk. I'm often suspiciously blamed for the dissapearance of various items from co-worker's desks although I take nothing and leave nothing. I usually make extra sure that when I leave at the end of the day, there is no trace that I was even there.
This issue will be solved when we move offices but I still have a few weeks before that happens. So I sit here, writing on my silly little blog. Truth be told, I actually prefer to get paid for doing something, rather than nothing. I feel like that intern that people don't know what to do with. Like, what little meaningless tasks can we throw at her today?
"Amelia, can you have Angela sign this?" so I walk 50 feet and ask Angela to sign some documents and I'm given a dirty look as if to say "Why are you bothering me?" when I know she wouldn't have given that look to the person who asked me to have her sign them in the first place.

C'est la vie!

Also, my phone charger, to the phone I've had for 24 hours is missing! Hooray! Losing stuff is my specialty. I should get paid to lose people's things.

"I LOSE YOUR THINGS, SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO!" (buisness card slogan idea)

I need to get out of L.A.

goodbye car, goodbye phone, goodbye friend

Usually I'm happy for it to be Friday but today I don't care for some reason. All days seem the same when none of them are going well. This is week two of "shit storm life adjustment time". I wonder when this storm will pass?

All I want is to be home, alone, bundled up on my couch watching it's always sunny in philadelphia. Then I want to drift off into the deepest, and most gratifying sleep and when I wake up, I would want the cabby from last night to knock on the door with my phone in hand.

But instead, I'm bored, at work, tired and slightly hungover. Forced to listen to gospel "praise jesus" music that makes me want to stab pens into my ears. I need to walk a mile and a half to get my check. I need to go into a tmobile store to get a temp phone. And I need to clean out my car before I have it picked up. None of this stuff is the end of the world but it can ruin days when life is moving faster than you can keep up. That's what it is. I feel like with the loss of things that make my life convienant, I'm losing freedom. But in reality, I guess I'm more free. I guess I need to think about it that way.

....and the gospel has been replaced with some JT.... I guess not all is lost today.

PCP!

i know this is old news but i seriously love my life a little bit more after i watch this. SADNESS BE GONE!

"erase and rewind...cuz i've been changing my mind"

ryan isn't picking up his phone and various friends aren't responding to my texts, so a isolated night at home it is!

It's okay, I told myself that I was taking the "week off" although I've never been too good at keeping promises to myself like that.

a little update:

1. AZ was spectacular; reunions all around. it felt like a dream, it was so short.
2. I'm donating my car to KCRW
3. I have decided to quit my soccer job and the play I was in. Not having a car makes participating difficult when things aren't anywhere nearby.
4. I miss Ryan


that's about it. i need to take out my contacts because blinking has become a chore and I think I might go to bed ridiculously early. The past week and a half have been sort of sullen and disappointing. I'm ready to turn it around.

23

Hands down the best birthday ever....and it's not really even over seeing as how B is taking me to an advanced screening of "Paper Heart" tonight and this weekend I'll get to celebrate with my family in AZ.


...i think i might be getting a bit burnt out though. i feel a hybernation period coming on. maybe.

golden birthday

the most epic birthday party ever. hands down amazing. did it right. pictures are on the book.
I even dj'ed a bit! DJ debut. :)



my dress was a hit. ;)

an invitation to Jeff Goldblum

Dear Mr. Goldblum,

…Or is it Jeff? May I call you Jeff? Please forgive my forwardness with this letter but I was wondering, if you weren’t doing anything, if you could fulfill a birthday with of mine by attending my 23^rd birthday party this upcoming Saturday, June 20^th. I also doubt that you would remember me, but I had the accidental pleasure of meeting you in the summer of 2006 at a Kinkos on Sunset Boulevard. I was making copies and you asked me if I worked there, to which I replied, “no”. We then continued with small chit chat before you sat down to get your passport photograph taken. It wasn’t more than two days later that I saw you in a rite aid down the street. We exchanged glances, suspiciously, with a smile, and ever since that day I have wanted to officially meet you and I figured, what better way than with a birthday invitation. I have cool friends and a great house in Echo Park. And you and yours are invited to come hang out and eat some cake. My address is 1915 Berkeley Ave. Los Angeles, CA 90026. I hope to see you at my birthday celebration.

Thank you for being awesome.

Sincerely,

Amelia Sellers.

validation

sometimes when I'm bored at work, I think the best way I could spend my time on the internet is to blog.

This way, I look "productive" because I am typing. Maybe sometimes, I'll glance down at a piece of paper next to my computer as if I am entering top secret data at a rapid speed. (60wpm give or take)

Today I was basically told in very few words that I was going to be hired onto the Partnership for Los Angeles Schools staff full-time. Besides the insurance benefits and the possibility of parking under city hall instead of in a lot 4 blocks away, this is a truly awesome offer. Not only will I not have to deal with the politics of AmeriCorps, but I will no longer be considered an "intern" whose position will end at the end of August. This is what I've wanted all along. More responsibility, more money, actual purpose. And although it lacks a key element of creativity, it's a non-profit and I've always told myself that non-profit work is the work for me. Work of the people, by the people, for the people.

But like it said, it was stated in very few words with no promises attached. I have not signed any paperwork or been given a new schedule. Fingers Crossed that I don't have to put my foot in my mouth with this one.

animals

photo by: Andrew Youssef


EPIC EPIC WIN.
Honestly one of the best shows/experiences/nights in a very long time. oooweeee.

Men after my own heart....

ALL I'VE BEEN ABLE TO THINK ABOUT FOR 3 DAYS.

oh that and this:



*swoon*

Distraction is the best medicine

this weekend was oddly perfect.
it was mellow.
I felt as if Bianca and I just roamed everywhere.
Anytime we felt as though we had to be somewhere, we just blew it off to go do something else. It was nice.
Epic weekend kicked off with watching the dodgers game at a sportsbar friday night and myself getting unnecessarily inebriated and stumbling back to her house.
Saturday morning I met Ryan for coffee although neither of us had coffee, I had a smoothie and chatted a while before saying our brief goodbye's to one another.
Bianca and I then decided not to go to the pool party at the standard downtown and drove to sunset junction instead in search of mexican food and stumbled upon El Conquistador right by Good. (Enchiladas rancheras and b got potato tacos)
It was pretty much the most epic restaurant/meal either of us had in a while.
Overall win from the menu to decor. New favorite place.
We then stumbled into a video store that's closing up shop and walked around the porn section, inappropriately pointing and giggling about the photography and facial expressions on the cover.
I (sorta) hope we didn't make the 6 middle-aged men around us uncomfortable.
Then as we returned to her house, we decided no to go to the monthly warehouse party that some of our friends attend and to go see a movie at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery instead. Good choice. "To Catch a Theif" is a classic and I'm glad I saw it. 3 bottles of wine later, we stumbled home.
Sunday was a productive day for me chores-wise but then returned to Bianca's for some dinner and "How To Marry a Millionaire". We drove over to the Short Stop but because of the holiday, the crowd was super weird and I was sleepy so I went home.
Finally, today, we decided against another pool party due to the weather (and our new anti-social tendencies) and found a $2 movie theatre in pasadena. We saw a double feature of "Adventureland" and "I Love You Man"....amazing. We both saw two movies for $8....you can't beat it.

And now my long weekend is coming to an end and I'm going to end up pooping out at 10:30 and I'm totally okay with that.

back in action

some new photos are finally up on my flickr.


http://www.flickr.com/photos/amelephant/sets/




i'm so in love with my new camera.

paparazzi lights

I'm way more tired than I deserve to be I can barely think but I'm super excited that Love gave me her old camera (Nikon D70) today and I went straight to samy's and bought a lens for it and all I want to do is take pictures of everything...and I will.....tomorrow and beyond. I'm sad that my trip to S.F. this weekend was canceled within a matter of seconds but I know I'll have a great weekend anyway....especially sleeping in saturday.


srsly so fucking tired. and excited. i bet my dreams will rule tonight.

I dare you to tell me that The Arcade Fire isn't a good band.







I also broke a sink this weekend. I had no idea that they could just fall out of the wall so easily but they can. also...earthquake? its like saying "dodger's baseball?" "good weather?" "bacon-wrapped hot dogs?".....tell me something that isn't "LA" and i might start to care.

"you're a mess, sellers"

es la verdad.

i'm weird and lightheaded today. I can't really concentrate and although I know in the blur of an alcohol infused conversation that everything is fine, I can't help but feel horrible and hypocrytical still. In a gesture to show that I don't really care, because you don't really care...I ended up hurting you because you do, and I do and we've been foolish to think otherwise. it's silly and embarassing.

And I'm really sorry.

i love L.A. (we love it)

i just arrived home from a great Dodger game and the house smells like carnitas and i am no where near hungry but i can't wait to eat it tomorrow. too much beer and junk food but it was worth it.

i'm getting nervous about not loving life again. when you're up, you fear the down. i'm finally up and i just wonder how long i can willfully sustain it before i feel like everything comes crashing down again. its honestly all money related. i hate that. i hate that the quality of my mood is so dependent upon it. gah. whatever.

...did i mention i'm moving back to echo park? :D

mad props

Also thought I should let people know about Jim Mahfood's article in the new (and final)issue of bpm magazine. My Photog Sensai, Love Ablan, took the photographs for the article so I feel it necessary to spread the gospel. Wicked 4-page spread. Not too shabby Mr. Mahfood.

find it on newsstands (like i did tonight on Cahuenga!) or at: www.bpmmagazine.net/2009/04/jim-mahfood/

or look at Love's blog: http://www.loveablan.com/blog/?p=177

we're all in this together

i've determined that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a 20-something and lost. like, wherethefuckamiandwhereamigoing kind of lost. from what i've heard, scientifically, our brains are still developing until we're almost 30.


just live and breathe in it. soak it in. it will all be useful.

get comfortable.

if i put my foot in your door, will you let me in?

a list of consderable to very important things (but not in that order)

Love's DSLR: a (new) goal. Will work for art.
Moving back to echo park: best news all month
Looking for another job: this one ends in August but it will probably take me at least 3 months to find anything
Body Painted/Photographed: join a gym asap.
Mod photoshoot: so excited!
Trip to SF: who wants to drive?!
DID I MENTION IM MOVING BACK TO ECHO PARK?!?!?! AND I WILL HAVE A GARDEN?!?!?! AHHH!
Look into interning for a gallery.

goalsgoalsgoals

I really want to go places and do things. I feel like if I stay on this track, things will start happening. I am so happy in this very moment that my belly hurts with glee!

script

this evening I went to a college friend's house in culver city to have a reading of the play he wrote and plans to direct at a local theatre in hollywood. he approached me about being in the play a little over a month ago and I was very indifferent to the idea but tonight was fun. We drank beer and ate pizza and when it was my turn, i read my lines with inflection as to differentiate myself from my character. I haven't done that in year. I haven't been on a stage in a year and it feels strange when I actually sit down and think about where my dreams have gone.

want. her. babies.

It all began with a mutal love for cheese

"It's actually frightening how awesome we are. People should be terrified of us."
-text at 10:05pm April 22, 2009


so true. so so true.

Coachella 2009, thanks for kicking my ass.

Brian and I got back from our 2nd 3-day desert adventure last night.
I have never sat down in a car and immediately fell asleep. We left Coachella around 12am and got home before 2, really good time. Coachella is one of those concentrated and daunting experience that can never truly be wrapped up in words...like any other trip that is super fun and super exhausting. You push yourself to see as much as you can, because that is why you're there, rest is for later. Like, "do we really stay to the VERY end of Paul McCartney's set even though it will take us LITERALLY 2-3 hours to leave the parking lot?!"....the answer is yes, yes you do. Because he was a fucking Beatle, so yes, you stay, until after the second or third encore. And it's completely worth the exhaustion because it's a memory you'll always have. Everyday was awesome with a different energy. Everyday you'd enter, the entire place would have been cleaned up from the night before so you could always walk barefoot. Always plenty of ways to stay cool in the heat as well as hydrated. I didn't see any fights and every person I encountered (from bumming a light to the amazing older married couple who let us stay at their house for free) was overly nice. The hippie in everyone comes out at a place like that. From frat bros to grandmas...it's really awesome to see.

My favorite performances:
YeahYeahYeahs (karen o kicks so much ass it hurts)
Paul McCartney
The Presets
Junior Boys
MIA
Beirut
MSTRKRFT
The Cure


Also, despite all the boho-chic clones walking around in gladiator sandals and fedoras, people watching was spectacular.

Okay, I'm honestly too tired to even continue.

shallow problems

i know this is stupid but I'm having a really difficult time deciding what road to go down with my hair. Yes, we're on a journey together. I don't really put a lot of effort into my physical appearance. I like what I like and I wear what I can afford and what's comfortable. The only thing I ever really change is my hair. color, cut, whatever. so when I decided to go super duper short, I did not consider the pain in the ass it would be to grow out. Stef (friendwhocutsmyhair) suggested i do it a-symetrically. and I said, "Sure! yeah! edgy! whatever!" and now I'm bordering on an un-even mullet. It looks better when it's straightened and I want to avoid my flat iron at all costs. When describing my dilemma, I use two female musicians I could easily use as "hair examples" of what I want on any given day. too bad they are complete opposites.

Jenny Lewis: long, natural waves, side swept bangs. low maintenance and delicate. ultra-femme.

OR


Karen-O: short, dark, edgy, unique, modern. femme in a rougher way.

and when looking for images of each of them to compare, i stumbled upon this:





awww. look at them! so cute!... and possibly uncomfortable? Cupcakes AND BOOZE?!

...I think i'm battling between two "right"s here and not a wrong. I JUST CANT DECIDE!!!

wednesdays

i find it strange that i actually prefer the dull and repetitious copy/collate sort of work than teaching kids how to spell and write. i'd rather be bored than uncomfortable.

gimme your drugs

i'm serious.

i can relate.