see you later, monkey

Today is my last day with Ava and I'm trying to create little rooms in my brain where I can keep her the way she is right now. Her little belly. Her toothy smile. Her tiny voice. Her high fives. She is magic.

And she will grow everyday until I see her again. And I will say "geeze, kid, you are so big" and hope that she hasn't forgotten who I am. I have, after all, been around her for 85% of her life so far.

So for the next three hours I will be storing as many memories as I can in the little rooms hoping that they stay.

high five...pound...thumbs up!

fear of vomiting

checking my bank account online reminds me of the fear of throwing up I had when I was a kid.
not only do i feel like i want to puke when i look at it, i mostly am referring to the horrible feeling pre-barfing where your mouth starts to water and you know it's inevitable that it's going to happen, you just have to wait.

that's usually why i avoid clicking the WAMU link on my toolbar. but when i do. i feel that way.

and now i actually feel like barfing because i don't have enough money for rent this month. and that has never happened that i can remember. and with two layed-off parents, i don't forsee a handout in my future.

im going to just hope that my landlords downstairs are as awesome as they seem. :/

WIN

I think it's lovely how life works sometimes.
Of course I would only think that when life is working for me right now and not against. but still.

Even after declining a job working for the Partnership for LA Schools, through the mayors office because they only offered me $8 per hour. They called me today (two weeks later) to see if they could do anything to change my mind. I said that I accepted a part time job and what my schedule was, as well as the fact that $10 would be the minimum amount I would accept. Their response was that they would work around my schedule and $10 was a go, but then asked "what can we do to make you more interested?"
such a funny question.
so I say "benefits?...more money?"

yesterday I was bumming around wondering when I would get a break, and today I have another part-time job that fills in the gaps of my week for $12 perhour. Amazing.

Today, Ava and I went to Kidspace museum but it was closed so we just hung out at the park instead. She owned that playground and was almost too fearless for my liking. She ran away from boys and gave me excessive hugs. Wednesday will be sad.

time and eric is on now. double win!

It was such a long drive home after waiting three hours (in a town I only associate with you) to give you back your records. Such a brief encounter. Four minutes, tops. Accentuated with some news that made my stomach churn so quickly I thought that I might vomit at your feet. "well, whatever makes you happy" I said as I grabbed the print I gave you from your hand. A 360 degree exchange. The look on my face alone told you how surprised I was.
When you walked me to my car, you thanked me and said "I'll talk to you....later, I guess", to which I replied "Oh really? Will you?"
"We talk...when we do."
"Yeah."


And I still owe you money. Which means, that I will have to speak with you again at the very least to get your new address...to the home that you will now share with her.

NEW

PIX:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/amelephant/    !!!!!!

In the spirit

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

-Nelson Mandela

overdue, but true

This story is sort of old, but not well-known...enough.

A few months ago, my good friend, Ryan had a need to blow his nose. This being said, he grabbed a kleenex and did just that. He then casually crumpled the tissue in his hand and put it down on his desk to return working on whatever he was at the time. Upon gazing at the tissue after it had been set upon the table, Ryan was shocked and amazed by the coincidental shape it had taken.
Ryan then immediate grabs his phone and begins to text his good friend Amelia and says something to the regards of "AMELIA, YOU WILL NEVER BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED"
He explains the story and claims that there is now an accidental elephant kleenex sitting on his desk. And although slightly gross, I am very curious to get back to LA to see this for myself. Once I do I laugh and smile and tell him that it is something Miranda July would appreciate. The next day, Ryan has drafted a letter to send to Ms. July, describing the occurances, and I take a polaroid picture to inclose. She only has her snailmail address on her website. How clever. Like, "if you're going to write me something, why not experience the old-fashioned art of actually writing and mailing a letter"
I love her.

So yesterday I took a picture of said elephant with my own camera.


The likeness is incredible for such an ephemeral accident. I love it. Snot and all.

Bottled Obama

barack obama apparently has his own bottle of water. and i bought some today on my 14 mile bike ride at 7-11. You best believe I got the family portrait one.

I am so happy about tomorrow. I am going to watch the inauguration all day tomorrow with Ava. I'm happy we will be able to share that moment together. Maybe I'll even give her a little history lesson.

like a movie,

if i could, i would
be invisible
and sit down next to you
while you are reading alone
and whisper everything
i've been dying to tell you.

acceptance//courage

i am in a constant state of desire and doubt.
for instance, i don't think i should sit in my bed because i don't think i'll leave it again tonight. so i'm sitting on the floor.
and i just want so much.
my heart is full of wanting.
and my head has such a difficult time with the doing part.
i'm still learning how to let go of things and accept things.

i think it's funny that minus the "god" part....the serenity prayer, said by members of AA, is really valid in my life.
maybe im an addict of some sort.

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

word.

I want a job.
I want the loan companies to grant me deferment.
I want to be more responsible.
I want to accept that I am okay being alone.
I want my car to work.
I want to stop getting parking tickets.
I want to build stronger bonds with my friends.
I want to believe that I am capable of all achieving all of these things.
I want to see you.
I want to be strong.

I want to like who I am. truly. totally.

Time to make some lists.

This morning, I woke up from a dream about zombies. Which is a really weird way to wake up at 7:18am in a cold room with a spazzed out cat.  I'm pretty sure I thought Rowdy was a zombie cat for 15 seconds. I think the next zombie film made should take place in silverlake/echo park. And all the hipsters rally together and kill the zombies and their infected friends. I can see a lot of good shots happening at Echo Park, and the echo parking lot. Hahaha, and all the zombies wear american apparel. 

Right now, I can barely keep my eyes open and I just want to hear from a job so I can make a decision.

"Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length"

i love summer dress days in the middle of winter.

December Film

here comes the sun

I got a job offer. Although it's only part time, I feel super excited about it. I feel like I may be coming out of a period of sleep...I feel like I'm waking up and becoming more active. I would love a more active life. That's a goal. I would work two days in Glendale and one full day in Long beach a week.

I have another interview tomorrow.

I feel celebratory.

"but just because it's real, don't mean it's gonna work..."

go away. go away. go away.

out, damned spot.

out, i say.

Sword in the Stone

Today I looked in the dvd drawer at work to see what animated treats they owned and immediately knew what we would be viewing.

Ummmm...."Sword in the Stone" anyone?!

I forgot that this literally used to be my favorite movie.
When I was little I used to go to my other set of grandparents house a lot. A LOT. And every time a new animated movie came out, my grandma bought it immediately. I was spoiled with movies. So besides "Pete's Dragon", Sword used to be my favorite. (Some of you may be saying "But Amelia, what about 'Dumbo'?" and my response is "It's too sad to be a favorite...a little girl can't cry that much").

Do you remember the scene where merlin packs his whole house in his bag? Or when he needs to take Arthur away from his chores to teach him how to be a fish? so he casts a spell for all the dishes to wash themselves?






on a side note: I went to my very first Lakers game tonight and it was magical. I didn't understand why people love Kobe so much, but now I do. So many unbelievable three-pointers. Half court practically. About five times. Unbelievable.

Bliss

Sometimes it takes the smallest gesture to turn something around.
Getting dressed to go on a hike and matching with your roommate. hotpposites always.
Boy talk with your friends like you're eighteen.
Realizing 22 is the new 18.
Getting high and making the tastiest feast.
Using giftcards to buy your groceries.
Going out on a limb to ask a question and getting the exact answer you want.
"Can I do this?"
"Yes, I'd love it if you would"
Laughing.
Laughing about funny infomercials about the most useless stuff.
Laughing about home shopping network for sex toys....on three different channels simultaneously.
Laughing about cable in general.
Realizing that I'm in the now, but always with a foot in the door to the past.

Loving life for 30 seconds.

Like 7th grade

Tonight I went to the Vanguard in Hollywood to take photos for Napkin Nights. Going alone in normal clothes with a point and shoot reminded me of middle school. being that girl who doesn't fit in. Who wears uncool clothes and big glasses with no friends, who can't get the new cool thing and has to settle for the cheap knock off thing. The place was so fucking big to begin with. Two lounges, one outdoor huge patio, and a ridiculous dance floor with a big stage for the dj. The large room was pointless. I tried to take pictures but no one could hear what I was saying. Just as many people rejected my request to take their picture as people accepted. And I saw people who rejected me, accept a dude with a big flashy camera. Pointless. Maybe if I was wearing a tubetop and a miniskirt, more people would have accepted. Maybe if it wasn't totally obvious how awkward I felt there.

I just really want to start making things happen. Really, that's all I want.

totalfuckingpanicattack

waking up late, checking the status of overdue creditcard payments with creditcards that are about to be maxxed out. trying to pay an overdue parking ticket. realizing I don't have enough money in my checking account for rent. understanding that i'm about to be out of a job and both car insurance people and student loan people will start calling. oh, and what credit i do have hangs in the balance depending on if whoever is trying to steal my identity actually succeeds.


don't be surprised if I don't answer my phone for a while as I might be hiding under my bed.



how are people supposed to live?

too sleepy to type

I do so well.
I go so long.
And the smallest thing can trip me up.
Just a bit of memory can unravel me.


I'm currently sleepy in b's bed. and I have "Pitseleh" stuck in my head on a constant loop. Deliah and Jaime sent me home tonight with two bottles of cough medicine and an unopened bottle of brandy. I'm not sure why, but I know both of them were a little drunk. They invited me to eat Ethiopian food tomorrow for Deliah's birthday. Ava fell asleep on my chest and I watched Sex and the City reruns and just let her stay there until I had to go.

And somehow I've become simply too sleep to continue this post.

More cohesion tomorrow.

Sometimes it's hard to deal with piles.
I wish I could deal with my life like an assembly line. Take things as they come.
Piles intimidate me. Piles are messy.

And everything is piled and needs to be sorted through. And I don't know why I feel so disabled by everything in that form.

I just want to take pictures.

New Year

So this is the new year.
And i don't feel any different.
The clanking of crystal
Explosions off in the distance (in the distance).

So this is the new year
And I have no resolutions
For self assigned penance
For problems with easy solutions

So everybody put your best suit or dress on
Let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once
Lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn
As thirty dialogs bleed into one

I wish the world was flat like the old days
Then i could travel just by folding a map
No more airplanes, or speed trains, or freeways
There'd be no distance that could hold us back.