I was getting prepared to finally call Sallie Mae after months of ignoring their relentless phone calls. I told myself that I would offer them $50. Then I realized that I don't even have $50 in my back account right now.


fml.

old film. new development.

a couple of my favorite shots

who disappoints who?
I disappoint you.

G is sitting in my living room right now and I'm annoyed. Not by him but by the way that I feel when someone else is in my space...especially when I don't have much of a choice about it. "Of course you can stay here"....blah. I guess it's no big deal. 2 days will go by fast and then I don't have to entertain anyone ever again.

last night I cut my bangs real short but not too short but I really like them even though they are probably crooked. I slept almost 12 hours last night and I still havent gotten out of bed today except to grab a handful of cheez-its and pluck my eyebrows. I think I might go for a walk and I might drop off a roll of film because I'm dying to see some photo memories of Italy. I also might try to not smoke today. But we'll see how long that lasts.

I take my days off really seriously

Tonight we had a staff meeting at our work and one girl got really emotional and angry when we started talking about scheduling for the holidays. I think she was almost about to cry talking about how she's had to work on Christmas for the past 4 years and how anyone who was just hired should basically be fired if they can't work during the holidays. It was really weird and I was happy that I haven't even thought about not working since I got a job. I will work whenever. Thanksgiving, Christmas, whatever. I actually secretly hope that I work on Christmas and am able to skip it all together this year. It is a holiday that will never feel the same again and that's okay. I'm okay with making new traditions, but I would rather work/sleep through Christmas this year if I had a choice.

Happy Birthday, Mom.


I've been sharing moments with you all day and it's been rad. Love you.

creeps

It's been too long since I've been on this thing.

It's November 1st and I've been back a month and it almost feels like I didn't skip a beat. Except I think I skipped several but I'm back in the same place. I still don't have any art on my walls and it's starting to bother me. The idea of unpacking my things that are packed up underneath my house seems so daunting. Rummaging, finding things of mine, things of my mother's, both of our things somehow all mixed up together. It's daunting. I have so many things to frame but no money to buy frames. I still haven't been able to develop a single roll of film from Europe, and I can't afford car insurance until my next paycheck. I feel like a criminal driving without car insurance.

I'm already feeling all my old anxiety creeping up on me again. Mostly-all money related stuff that I feel like I have little to no control over. Things that I want to get a leg up on, but can't. I flood myself with distractions because I live in one of the most distracting cities. Why is it so hard to just stay in my house sometimes? Just stay home and draw or write or organize something instead of going out to waste money on alcohol with people I'm not even sure are my real friends. This is something that I need to work on.

Who was I, a year ago? How am I different? How am I better? I really hope I am better.








In the matter of 10 months, I have managed to spend all $10,000 of my mother's "inheritance" and I feel so fucking awful about it. So. fucking. awful.