Christmas 2010: a family affair

Tonight officially concluded Christmas 2010.


My family was here. We ate bad hotel food, and we ate good Silverlake Mexican food. We laughed, we cried. We painted pottery together and we rode Disneyland rides together. We were so happy to just be together.

My cousin came over and we had what felt like our first REAL conversation. She's 17 and I remember that age so well. The things she says make have deja-vu's. I think we will become best friends in our adult lives. I love her so much. She is the closest thing to a sister.

Yesterday would have been so much harder without them around. And although my grandma started a bit of a chain reaction of tears by saying at dinner "I wish Vicki was here", we got through it, together. It felt like a feeling and a conflict that I didn't have to fight alone and it made all the difference. The last year of my life has been so eventful and blessed and so trying at times, and I can't really believe I was able to do all the things I did without being able to pick up the phone and talk to my mom. I can't believe that I haven't talked to her. But I feel strangely accomplished, like I wanna just jump up and scream, "I MADE IT! I DID IT! I WENT A WHOLE YEAR AND I SURVIVED!"....like I survived an entire year without drinking water or being exposed to sunlight (but less dramatic). But I feel that way. I feel proud of myself for never completely unraveling and keeping it together enough to just push forward. And I guess when people say that it gets "easier", they are right. You adapt. You get "used" to the way life is without this person, although you never go a day without thinking of them.
But days like Christmas are always hard. Especially because my mom always loved to spoil me even when she didn't have any money. And especially when it was the one time a year that I knew I'd see her.
But now, I'm making new traditions and they aren't that bad. I've actually been so lucky.

I think that's what I'm trying to say....I'm trying to say that I am still so deepdown sad but that I am so fucking lucky and grateful and life still hurts sometimes without her in it but it's really okay and she told me that everything was gonna be okay and I guess it is.

Or at least it's getting there.

whatever.

Where did you go?
Where did I go?

Time slips through careless hands.
"Don't feel so bad"

I do.
I don't.
I don't...care.

But I do,
is the thing.

You just don't see it because,
I won't let you.


So there.

i'm bored with boredom...

I miss being in love.

Two of my favorite gays were saying that I've been looking "dykey lately".

I don't know how to take that but I guess I can't take it as an insult.

Barcelona was so fun(ny)

comings and goings

Tonight I went to see Atlas Sound. It was noisy and loud and distorted and sleepy. I was so sleepy. In a good way, in a smart way. I decided to leave as he was playing his last song as I thought it best to leave before I fell asleep.

I can't find my sketchbook although I haven't been looking that hard. There is a whole slew of things under my house that I need to still go through. I keep remembering that I have things that I don't have around because they're under the house and I freak out and want to go get them but I'm afraid of spiders and can only be down there for a few minutes at a time.

My young friends keep asking me what I want to do with my life and it bugs me. We're young, don't worry about it. That question is for my elders to ask and for me to shrug off, not feel actually intimidated by.

My family is coming to LA for Christmas. It's gonna be weird and wonderful. But I kinda wish they weren't coming at the same time.

A girl I work with started crying at the end of our shift because a boy she was dating but wasn't in a relationship with broke things off long distance because he's scared of being hurt. She cried a bunch and got really mad at him even though she didn't really have anything to be mad about. She let something that had no solidarity hurt her heart and it made me think she was kind of stupid for reacting the way she did even though I guess I can't talk because I wouldn't let that happen to me.
And I kind don't like that....

Whatever.


Think pink...

catch a glance / zZzzZzzz