I've begun to wonder why I haven't cried at all in the last 5 days or so. The last time I began to tear up was when I chose my mother's birthday card on monday. The idea of taking something that a stranger wrote and applying it to my life doesn't seem as meaningful as my original words, but I read every card in front of me until I found one that accurately described how I feel towards her. Of course, I can't remember what it said, but I figured that if it evoked tears, it must be good.
I didn't even cry when I said goodbye to her as I assumed I would. I think my emotions around her were really dependent upon hers. If she wasn't going to cry, then neither was I. And I think that is the first time anger peered it's head into this whole situation. I became angry that she wasn't expressing the emotions that I wanted her to. I wanted her to be sad. I wanted her to express remorse to me about this. I wanted her to let her guard down and show me that she's scared, like the rest of us. But she didn't. She just repeated over and over, calmly and softly, "it's okay". I can't even count how many times she said it over the course of 4 days. "It's okay".
I've always respected my mother even in very trying times when I didn't like her very much. She has overcome so much and achieved so much, and if someone asked me to describe her in 5 words or less, "strong" would definitely be one of those words. And still, I admire her for her strength to deal with all of this, but I there's not a whole lot of time for pride right now. There's not a lot of time to let things go unsaid. Maybe I'm angrier that she doesn't even have the same capabilities to speak anymore. Maybe she would tell me all of these things if she could complete her thoughts. Maybe I'm desiring a certain affection from her that I don't think we've ever shared.
And telling my father this was hard. Telling my father that he will no longer be the parent in the background. Telling him without telling him that I will finally, actually, need him. And even this being said, I don't necessarily expect anything to change. It would be wrong and unrealistic of me to expect that. But hearing him break down on the phone today was painful. Hearing him cry, I surely thought would evoke tears of my own, but it didn't. Him telling me to stay strong and focused while he's crying and I'm calm. And me returning with a comforting "I love you, Dad".
I think all KINDS of defense mechanisms are sprouting in me.
1 comment:
I know your anger over her placidity. My dad had been in and out of the hospital for a while before he finally passed. He was ready to go. I was 14 and needed my father.
And I understand the numbness. I was in denial of what was coming. I didn't cry until about a half year after he passed, when it hit me like a ton of bricks. Don't worry about not crying now. There's nothing wrong with you. You're emotionally drained, and struggling to grasp the concept of not having her in your life.
Just know you aren't alone. And while your friends may not be much comfort because they lack understanding of the experience, you have family who are in the same boat, and a mom who is struggling to grasp a much more difficult concept (whether or not she expresses it to you).
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